What did the digital watch say to his grandfather? Look grandpa no hands!

Girl, are you a train? Because I choo choo choose you.

"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers

Hey there cyclist, I'll be your mechanic if you'll be my ride.

What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.

Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.

“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel

A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend
His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".

How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.

How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.

My friend, who's a geneticist and a rapper crossed a gorilla with an orang utan
That's his new mixed ape.

Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.

I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.

If trees could kill you, they wood.

Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk

How does Frankenstein eat his dinner?
He bolts it down.

“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing

What do you call people who are obsessed with crocodiles?
Crocophiles.

When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.

I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.

A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.

I don't care *how* many items you've got, baby, I could check you out all day long!

How come the mummy doesn't want a telephone? Because he always gets too wrapped up on his calls.

“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”

"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."

It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.

What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.

What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!

“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

I think you might be a star because I can’t stop orbiting around you.

Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.

Where do penguins go swimming?
At the South Pool!

A priest is the best catch for a tiger as they like to prey.

Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece

What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.

I see we’re both doing Pigeons!

Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.

My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner

What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.

I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive

"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”

- George Bernard Shaw

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.

Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.

You're such a TEAse.

To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.

Hey, I don’t know what you think of me but I hope it’s X-rated.