It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.
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What should you do when you play volleyball against a team of satanists? You beat the hell out of them.
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
What is a seals favorite subject?
Art Art Art Art!
What kind of sandwich does Kissy the Elf like for lunch?
A wrap!
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention.
Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.
Why did the witch stay in a hotel during her travels?
She heard they had great broom service.
Did you hear about the rundown swimming pool?
It was a real dive!
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
Can I hold your hand?
70 percent of the human body is made up of water and im very thirsty.
Hey babe, I think its about time we cancel our gym membership. We're not working out anymore
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because the cows have horns.
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
What do you learn in witch school?
Spelling.
I wanna tell a joke about a girl who eats plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?
Just turn off sticky keys.
Stop Stalin and let’s hook up.
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
What do elves use in the kitchen when they are cooking?
Kitchen u-tinsels!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don’t eat with your mouth full!
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
A ghost's favourite pie flavour is boo-berry.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large chested crab?
One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
Girl you must have swallowed a speaker, cause your beauty is louder than the rest
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
What is it called when a skeleton lawyer works for free!
Pro Bone-O.
What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.
My friend wasn't accepted for a teaching job because he was cross-eyed
They thought he wouldn't be able to control his pupils.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar