"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."

"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard

What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.

I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.

That would dampen spirits.

Whats the first day of the week called in outer space?

Moonday.

Do you always play this badly at the net? Because I don’t like your approach.

We Rodin a taxi around the city after dark.

You're a beluga in this sea of cod.

Who is a potato’s favorite author? Edgar Allen Poe-tato.

When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"

- Gail DeBole

"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx

I went to the zoo the other day and saw an alligator that will only eat finely chopped food.
It was an alligrator.

Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”

There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.

When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.

Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.

It takes one to snow one.

"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)

Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.

Sheep have a clever way of keeping all their four feet warm in the winter; they wear muttons.

Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen

Sorry to interrupt with a bad pick up line, but if you were a vegetable, you'd be a cute-cumber.

Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.

My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.

What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.

I'll make love to you if you want me to.

What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.

What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.

How do you greet a five-headed ghoul?
Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello!

I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.

Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.

What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the Kid.

My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”

You’re just like the black line at the bottom of the pool– I’d be lost without you.

Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.

How do werewolves eat lunch?
They wolf it down.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

Q. Whay aren't gorillas afraid of zombies?
A. Because the ape-ocalypse doesn't frighten them.

And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.

I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.

There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.

Heisenberg was wrong. I'm certain about what you're doing tonight.

Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.

What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.

How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".

Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.

Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.