What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
Do you happen to know sign language? Because this is the last time you’ll hear from me.
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?
Because its head is so far from its body.
What does the ski bum do when the chairlift line is too long?
He's gondola top of the mountain.
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
Why did the parrot cross the road? Just beak-ause!
What do you do when your friend is a claustrophobic astronaut?
You give him a little space.
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
Witch you were here.
What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!
What's a bee's favorite hairstyle?
A buzz cut.
It started raining coins outside today.
I guess it’s just climate change.
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A water
Is that a magic wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
Those who study the moon for their course or as a habit, are optimists. And that is because they look at the brighter side always.
What do you give prisoners for dessert? Jaily-Beans.
I went to watch a play and there were so many peach errors in the dialogues.
What's a pun's best trait?
His pun-ctuality!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
I am.
I am who?
You mean you don’t know who you are?
Are you Broca’s aphasia? Because you leave me speechless…
Q. What can a buck take after a night of drinking at a stag party?
A. Elk-a-seltzer.
What is good at maths and related to a crocodile?
A calcu-gator
I know you are a goalie but I hope you don’t stop me from scoring tonight.
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
Last night, like every night, I dreamt I was half horse, half man.
My shrink says I'm just being self centaured.
You Eliza-bet I’m asking you out right away
What’s a missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.