Do you know what you call the outside of a watermelon?
“Rind of.”
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
What do you call an turkey with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
I dreamt about you. You died.
I wish I was a Trypanosoma Cruzi so I could live in your heart.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
They say Disney World is the happiest place on earth, obviously, they haven't been in your arms.
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
My love for you is like dividing by zero… It can’t be defined!
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.
I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool
Baby, you remind me of the constitution, because you look like a national treasure.
What happened when the koala tripped and fell in a crowded restaurant? He got embearassed.
What is American football called in other countries?
30.48 cm ball.
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
Are you a unicorn cause you are my fantasy.
What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.
Man: Baby, your body is a wonderland!
Woman: That's funny, because yours is a wasteland!
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
What do you call a blind dinosaur? adoyouthinkhesaurus.
What do you get when you cross a pig and superman?
The Man of Squeal.
Cell phones are a static symbol.
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
Roofs of mushrooms rarely mush too much.
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...
He's a small arms dealer.
I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
What do werewolf like for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
People always talk about the 'Eye Of The Tiger'. No one talks about the other four letters.
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
Haven’t I seen you before? Maybe in my dreams?
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
Join me today, because I am in it for the long run when it comes to love.
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.