Black background, brown background, black background, brown background, black background, brown background.

"Just looking on the sunny side."

What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.

What will you get if you cross a tiger and a watchdog? A terrified watchman.

We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."

What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.

Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."

You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?
Probably not, they've never had a hit.

What do dog scientists to with their bones?
They barium.

Where do restless travelers like to go?
To Rome.

Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will Let it go.

I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.

What music are balloons scared of? Pop music

My mom told me that sitting on a computer 8 hours a day in unhealthy
I said: But, mom that's why I am using a chair.

Wine Connoisser Point to Ponder: Did Marilyn drink Merlot?

What do frogs do when they ski?
They rip it.

Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?
Rigor Mortissen

What do you get when you cross two fish with two elephants?
A pair of swimming trunks.

Wind turbine mechanics and engineers are very fond of the blew color!

How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.

The great Greek grape growers grow great Greek grapes.

I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.

We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.

Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.

I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.

(Anonymous)

Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.

A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.

"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash

Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.

Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.

I aorta tell you how much I love you.

Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.

(Judith Viorst)

If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.

Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.

The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.

A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.

Are you the end of practice? Because you’re always on my mind.

How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.

Theatre - the one place it doesn't pay to read between the line.

How did the witch invite the wizard to take an evening ride on her broomstick?
Voodoo like to ride with me?

I’m so lepre-gone right now.

I can’t help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars… snickers

What did the triangle say to the circle? Your pointless!

Be-leaf me, you look great in green.

If I supply the voltage and you supply the resistance, imagine the currents we can make together.

No matter how much she trimmed the particular strand of grass, the unruly grass kept on growing- what a grass-cal!

Pizza: the only time top-less isn't fun

“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger

Whoa, Domi-nice pics you got there

“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White

What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.

You know what they say? Words.