Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
Do you like whales? Cause I was thinking that we could "humpback" at my place.
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
Why did the telecommuter lose his job? He had to many hang ups.
"I make pour decisions."
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
Where do you find giant snails? At the end of giants fingers!
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!
Are you a parking ticket? Because you're evidence that I made a mistake.
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
I have the perfect emoji that describes you, but it would look much better next to your number on my phone.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
You're like my drug - when I'm with you, I feel Absinthe-minded.
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
What do fruit wear when they go swimming? A one-peach bathing suit.
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
"We gotta get you out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini."
- Jay Chandrasekhar, Beerfest (2006)
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
I ordered chicken fingers tossed in Buffalo sauce the other day
I asked the chef to be gentle while tossing them though. Because they’re tenders.
I now believe in Angels.
What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera.
I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving.
But they banned flavored vapes.
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
Why was the salad late to the dinner party?
He was waiting for his wife to get dressing.
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
My son painted six Easter eggs the colors of the infinity gems.
I told him he made an Egg-finity omelette.
A spider called a tech support office.
He needed help connecting to the web.
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
"Having a good hare day."
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.