"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
My fire tonight...
Was lit!
What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.
What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.
What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
You’re my lucky charm.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
Q: Why did the tornado take a break?
A: Because it ran out of wind!
"I know your feet must be tired because you've been running through my mind all day!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
When I see you I get a Dirty, Dirty Feeling so Don't Be Cruel and be my Earth Angel
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
Thank brew very much.
What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
There was a vampire named Vlad
The Village all thought he was bad
But the true story
Just wasn't gory
It turns out Vlad was just sad.
What is the tree’s least favorite month of the year? SepTIMBERRRR.
The hiker hated the top of the mountain because it was all downhill from there!
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben knocking on this door all morning, let me in!
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
What did the teenage horse say when her phone broke?
I canter even.
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Why are wintertime fortune tellers so reliable?
They can see what is mitten in the stars.
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A baboom.
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.
Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
I goat this.
An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".
What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.
Do you wanna know a secret? I'm in love with you.
I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.