Do you have an inhaler? You took my breath away.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
Are you a Victoria's Secret model? Because heaven's missing an Angel.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
I just can't see them taking off.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
What do you call a small fish magician? A magic carpet
What do a witch and a candle have in common?
They're both wicked.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
Do baseball players ever wear armor?
Only during knight games.
What did the astronaut’s fiancé say when he proposed to her in open outer space? She said, “I can’t breathe!”
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.
Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk.”
Where do recluses live in Spain?
Barceloner.
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
Don’t be elfish.
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....
No Joke.
What do you call an evil lemon?
Sour On
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
My feelings of love for you are like the stars in the sky. They're probably long dead.
What do dogs and Santa have in common?
They are both seen Dachshund through the snow.
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
I just went to a fireworks shop and asked for their biggest bomb. They gave me a picture of you
What is it called when a witch only casts spells that rhyme?
Poetry in Potion.
My glasses fogged up once I came out of the AC room last summer, but I was okay because I was opti-mistic.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.