How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
Why did the bunny cross the road? He wanted to prove he could hip hop!
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
Me: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.
Friend: How?
Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.
Where did Santa's little helpers go to high school?
They didn't, they were gnome-schooled.
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
Many years ago, my grandfather used to cut the grass- but, he's been gone for a lawn time.
The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.
Why did the gorilla cross the road? He had to take care of some monkey business.
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
After a good summer fling, it’s time to fall in love.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
Why did the obtuse Triangle go to the beach?
Because it was more than 90°.
"You can't beat me."
I hate windy weather. It really blows.
Excuse me, I seem to have lost my phone number, can you do the same?
Why do worms have trouble getting up in the morning? Because the early bird catches the worm.
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco
I’ve always wanted to be a farmer’s wife.
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
I was so tired. I needed a sea-esta on the beach.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
A man once said when is Monday coming? His wife said Mon-soon.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
Ouch! You are giving me a good kind of toothache just because of your sweetness.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
What is the perfect day to go to the beach?
Sun-day!
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
She couldn't find the "10" button.
How are snow boards and vacuum cleaners alike?
Both have dirt bags on board.
Why should anyone experiment with thin ice?
It’s the best way to achieve a major breakthrough.
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
Where do monkeys go when they lose their tails?
To a retailer.
Just call me your baby, cause I wanna be inside you for the next 9 months.
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?
They dribble all the time.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
What would a winged horse play in a band?
The pegabass guitar.
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
Apparently my password needs to be capitals only so I've changed it to LONDONMADRIDROME.
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”