Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police stop telling these awful knock-knock jokes!
In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.
The last one to the top of the mountain has to buy dinner.
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
But his brother Frank was a monster.
Roses are red. Bromothymol is blue. My love for you doesn’t have an endpoint.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
Can I borrow your library card? Cause I’m checking you out.
My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but trilobites still exist, right?
Why was the crow on the telephone wire? To make a long-distance caw.
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: (Groan)
Why don't skeletons ski the black diamond runs at Copper Mountain?
They've got soul, but they just don't have the heart for it.
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
Why is rain the best kind of music?
Because it has amazing drops.
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tunafish.
Did you hear about the zombie after-school club?
It's dead in that place.
My dog won’t get off the PlayStation He’s been playing Fi-fur all day.
What do you call a giant that's good at football?
Goaliath.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
Do you have an inhaler? Because you took my breath away.
Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans
What is a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? Comet.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
What is a dog’s favorite vegetable? A collie flower.
One more thyme.
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
Let's commit the perfect crime, I'll steal your heart and you'll steal mine.
Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
What does the Pope eat during Lent?
Holy mackerel.
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
Six slimy snails sailed silently.
A strawberry feels most comfortable in its py-jam-as.