Sorry sweety, but I think I'm in love with your mom.
hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.
What do you sing to cows on their birthdays?
Happy birthday to moo…
I’ve found that dressing up like this has truly been an en-witching experience.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead.
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!
My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.
The last one to the top of the mountain has to buy dinner.
I’m no adjective; I would never want to modify you.
Where does the Easter bunny get his eggs? From an eggplant.
I never count my chickens before they're hatched.
Because they're eggs.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You made my life a mess
Please call a clean-up crew
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
I wanted to write with the perfect first line… but It’s been a bit of a dilEmma coming up with one
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
What does a deer say when it prays to the god?
“Deer God!”
Did you guys hear about the camel that got a gig playing a cow on Broadway?
She was a real drama dairy.
What did the flower say to the flower next to him? Move over bud!
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A refrigerator.
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
It'll become apparent.
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
It seems like you have the answer to my math problem. What are your digits?
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A stamp.
A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.
Where do elves go to get famous?
Holly-wood.
I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.