What do you call a chicken that was struck by lightning?
Air fried.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.
Why did the cat want to learn to fly?
She wanted to try bats.
What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.
You don't need to waste your time on that treadmill, you've been running through my mind all day.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
Footballers love one specific type of tea; penal-tea.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
What is the pineapple’s relationship status? Pineapply married.
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
I like you very mulch. I think about you every daisy.
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
Why are wooden hard drives so bad?
They're all bark and no byte.
What is a ghost's favorite place to work?
Ghoul-gle.
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
If H20 is in the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside ?
K9P.
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
What do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
Bodies Needed To Look After Graveyard
You must be my coronary artery because you’re wrapped around my heart.
Which barnyard animal is a famous painter?
Vincent Van Goat
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk.
Egg-Plant a kiss on me.
"You might not carrot all, but you're irresistible."
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
"Humor is reason gone mad."
I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo? Bronco-saurus or a Tyrannasourus Tex