I'm willing to lower my standards if you're going on a date with me.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to coins underneath it. It must have been the Blue-tooth fairy.
If I kissed you on one cheek, would you turn the other?
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
The witches sweep the sky.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Aldo.
Aldo who?
Aldo anything for you.
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
Why are gnomes so pragmatic?
They don’t have tall tales.
If I were a stop light, I would always turn red each time you pass by. In that way, I could stare at you longer.
The farmer called his prize cow a bull-dozer because she was always sound asleep in the fields.
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
My pink bird friend got dumped a while ago. He was sad for a while, but now he’s singe and ready to flamingle.
Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something!
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
On a cruise sip.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
Could this be the trail that leads to your heart?
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
What color sheet did the ghost wear on the 4th of July? Red, white, and boo.
You smell. We should go take a shower together.
Woah! You look like I need a drink.
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.
My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Do you have raisins? How about a date?
How does a Man cut his hair on the moon? Eclipse it.
I’m rooting for you!
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
When winter comes, this town turns into an iceburg.
The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".
I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
My father is so cheap...
When we go to bed he unplugs the clocks.
What did the teacher say when he could not get into his car?
‘Oh no, I have lost my Kias!’
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
As the incessant rain washed away the blue paint of the house, the owner sighed and said, "Cyanara!"