"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
Let’s shell-ebrate good times and tan lines.
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
The local motorway has become blocked after a truck shed it's load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes.
Police say the traffic is pretty stationery...
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
Are you made of beryllium, gold, and titanium? Because you are BeAuTi-ful.
A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain “don’t you give me that altitude!!”
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
How do you make dog bread?
Just use collie flour.
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.
Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk.”
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
What do you say when the beach asks you to walk on it?
Shore
Are you a sheep cause your body is unbaaaaalievable.
I wish I was a Trypanosoma Cruzi so I could live in your heart.
Why was the bus driver so confused? He was 'bus-t' in traffic!
Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?
Beause he knows he likes stabbing others in the back.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
I saved a tiny baby crow and now he won't leave, I guess you could say he's mi-cro.
I’m feelin’ green.
Everything about you is perfect except one thing, you aren't married to me.
What do we get when we mix an iPhone and a Christmas tree? A pine – apple!
Why does no one trust the man on the moon?Why does no one trust the man on the moon?
Because he has a dark side!
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!
I am reading a horror story in Braille.
Someone is going die, I can feel it.
Why are football players not allowed in bowling alleys?
After getting a strike, they spike the ball.
Did you hear about the scared kangaroo?
Yeah, he was a bit jumpy.
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.