why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
What did the mommy dolphin do when her son was an hour late for dinner?
She flipped out!
Every single person on my flight was reading at the same time.
The plane was fully booked.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
Q: Did you hear the one about the virus?
A: Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
If it was 1984, and I was Big Brother, I'd only watch you.
What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
Who brings presents for crows on Christmas? On Christmas? Santa Caws
Unicorns deserve to be banned from facebook because all they do is poke people all day.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Cantaloupe!
Cantaloupe who?
Cantaloupe to Vegas, our parents would get mad.
“I love you from head to mistletoe.”
Crows prefer carrion, so their bags are never checked at the airport.
Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? The door won't close!
Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
Sorry for not calling sooner, I was budy complaining to Spotify for not naming you the year's hottest single.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
"Do you like computers?" (yes.) "Do you like file sharing?" (yes) "Good, 'cause I'm downloadable and user friendly!"
Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.
What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?
Spagettea!
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
My dog needed date ideas.
I told him to whine and dine her.
Oh I didn't mean to pull you in so close. I thought I heard a rutting bull moose.
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
My boss has just fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
Oh well!! That's the end of my Korea.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.
Hey Anna, how about you Anna I grab a drink sometime?
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bruce
Bruce who?
I Bruce easily, don't hit me!