I enjoy throwing coins in the river and watching them. I like studying my cash flow.
You’re my #1 pick.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your body heat with me.
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
Hi, I'm a zombie, can I eat you?
How does Toucan Sam wear a belt?
He puts it through his loops
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ears
Ears who?
Ears another knock knock jokes for you!
Why shouldn't you iron a four-leaf clover?
You don't want to press your luck!
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
I Got to Get You Into My Life
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby birthday to you!
What it is it called if you refuse to go running today?
Resistance Training!
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!
Why wouldn’t the squirrel collect the oak’s acorns today? She called in sick and then went to the beech.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
Please, please me
Fred is so condescending about my tennis strokes. I can’t take any more of his backhanded compliments.
You are the square to my root.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
Your gravitational pull is irresistible!
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies? a garbage truck.
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
What kind of shoes do mice wear? Squeakers.
What month always asks questions and permission?
May!
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I'd have a cow pie in my eye.
I know a man whose last name is Storm
He has three daughters: Summer, April, and Haley.
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Honeydew.
Honeydew who?
Honeydew know who fine you're looking?
What type of trunks do foresters wear to the swimming pool?
Tree trunks!
What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away.
Roses are red, Violet are blue. What would you do. If I fell in love with you?
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”
What does a bankrupt frog say?
Baroke, baroke, baroke.
A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.