Here today, lepre-gone tomorrow.
What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)
"Messy Room"
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
– Shel Silverstein
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
Don’t make such a Dreyfus about it.
Why don’t chickens wear pants?
Their peckers are on their face.
What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg White.
Why did Iron Man sleep outside when it rained?
To get some rust.
Hey lady, I'm like the sun, I go down every night.
Which dog won the race? A weiner dog.
What do you name a synthetic parrot?
PollyEster
You had me at cello.
Why didn’t the skeleton play football?
His heart wasn’t in it.
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
Why don’t vampire’s make good artists?
Because all they draw is blood.
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
Why did the orange help the old lady cross the road?
To do a random act of rindness.
The artist painted himself into a corner, leading to his death.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, what do you get?
Arrested.
Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!
Hey baby, I just found out our shirts were manufactured in unfair working conditions; let's take them off.
Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
There's something wrong with my phone. It doesn't have your number in it.
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
These book puns have tickled your spine.
What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.
Why can't college professors take exams at a zoo? Because there are too many cheetahs.
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
How do you get into the mush-room? Ring the porta-bella.
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
I think I glove you.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
They say one man's trash is another man's treasure. I hope you find someone who treasures you.
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."
How do you get a teddy bear across the border?
You snuggle it across.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
A berry from which you can directly drink out of is a straw-berry.
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.