Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
Strawberries are considered to be the most bullied fruits because they're always getting picked on.
Want to be workout buddies?
What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
Milkshake.
How can you tell when a coach doesn’t know what they are doing? When the real coach is yelling from in the stands.
Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
Wife: I’m sick and tired of your obsession with golf!
Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
What do you call someone who loves dogs?
A pug addict.
There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
What do you give to a sick citrus tree to make it feel better? Lemon aid.
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
Hey baby, you caught my curiosity. Mind if I explore you a little?
Would you like to come to my place and light my Yule log?
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
Why did the girl decide to become an art dealer? Because she wanted more Monet.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
My exotic bird challenged me to a game of chess
I told him, "Toucan play at that game."
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
You know what you would look really beautiful in?
My arms.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
"I just can't take the bad lovemaking anymore".
There's something gorgeous about your eyes...
Oh, that's it! It's my reflection.
What side of a tiger has the most stripes? The outside.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.
Most of your players never make it out of the lower-level tournaments. I highly doubt their Futures as a professional.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.