Hey Adam… it’s Adam shame I don’t have your number yet
What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? What a lavaly day!
How can someone tell if a bee is on their phone? They'll get a buzzy signal.
I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!
A silent man walked into a bicycle shop...
He picked up a wheel and spoke.
Are you cake? Cause I want a piece of that.
What do you call a koala with a negative attitude? The bearer of bad news.
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
Everywhere’s a palace when I get to be with Alice
Why did the duck detective get the key to the city?
Because he quacked the case.
What did the drug diller say to the duck?
Are you on quack?
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
Flight allows flamingos to stay safe from predators. This is natural selection in action, and explains why flaminstays are extinct.
Baby are you an angel? Because I'm a atheist.
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
If a star fell every time I thought of you, the sky would be dark at night.
What did the married deer couple say to each other? I love you deer-ly!
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
What does a basketball player say when he misses?
Shoot!
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Be a winner, date a swimmer!
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
If Satan ever lost his hair...
There would be hell toupee.
Baby, have you been eating your Campbell's soup? Because you are looking Mmm, Mmm good!
The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.
The moon landing is obviously fake.
The moon is clearly still up there.
What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?
No, seriously. This thing is scaring the heck out me.
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?
A sax-a-bone.
I'm actually way hotter than poutin.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
The green light at the road signal looked at the red light and said, "Don't look while I am changing".
There’s snow one like you.
Nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?
Ones a crustaecian and the other is a crushed Asian.
What do Saturday and Sunday have in common with the corona virus?
The weakend.
What did the panda say when he was forced out of his natural habitat?
This is un-bear-able.
Have you heard about the latest restaurant that opened up on moon?
No, how is that restaurant?
What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.
Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.
I can be your travel pillow.
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.