King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
Let's procreate like the snakes in the Narcisse Dens.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
What do France and a pigeon have in common?
Every 5 minutes, there is a coo.
I don’t care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy I’ve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
What do you call a communist vampire?
A red blood count.
Do you wanna Ketchup over beer?
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Toucan.
Toucan who?
Toucan play at that game!
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.
He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."
If Princess Toad looked liked you, I would have killed Bowser years ago.
If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
Werewolves love similes and metafurs.
You have changed my world to polar coordinates. Complex and imaginary things now have a magnitude and direction.
You know what they say about a man with big feet... he wears big shoes.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
Let's skip the Netflix on the sofa and go straight to chill in my bed.
What's the fastest thing on the river bed?
A motor-pike and side-carp.
Why should you never do math with a tiger?
If you add 4+4 you're gonna get ate.
I heard you are a goalkeeper, can you keep me forever?
Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe?
Because it’s a tall order.
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
We fit together like a gitch in a wedgie.
What do you call a guitar used to play pool?
A cue stick.
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
I was reading the book of numbers yesterday, and I realized I don’t have yours.
I can't let it be until I get your number.
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
Some bunny loves you.
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.