"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo? Bronco-saurus or a Tyrannasourus Tex
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Arfur.
Arfur who?
Arfur got!
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.
Without you, I’d disintegrate.
I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...
She said, ”No, only tea.”
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...
Must dash.
Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?
He couldn't stand all the racket!
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
What do you call a clever duck?
A wise quacker.
What's the sweetest moment in a hockey game? When they're icing the puck.
How would you describe a pun about a pun?
They're pun-ishingly bad!
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!
Hey babe, wanna make a zygote?
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
A fortune-teller told me you’ll give me your number tonight. Was she right?
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Take a page from the book and leaf.
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
Hey girl, are you Morphine? 'Cause, you take my pain away.
Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.
Why do dogs run in circles?
Because it’s hard to run in a square.
I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
My leaf blower doesn’t work.
It just sucks!
What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
Will you be the perimeter to my world?