It seems like you have the answer to my math problem. What are your digits?
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
Hey girl, I’m not just going to show you the world, I’ll show you the universe.
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
I’m so adjective, I verb noun.
Is this the bus stop?
Because I'm here to pick you up!
Any proof that Saturn married more than once? Well, he do has a lot of rings.
How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Have you found the center of gravity yet? It’s the letter v.
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam.
I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!
Hey how’s it going? Ben jammin’ much today?
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
How does bread win over friends?
“You can crust me.”
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
It is October and there are still leaves on trees. I am very corn-fused!
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.
What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.
You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.
(Unknown)
What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.
Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.
How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.
Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.
I love you berry much.
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer. Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
Why don't crabs give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
Some people say popcorn is hard to chew. There’s a kernel of truth to that.
What’s Frankenstein’s favorite food?
Frankenfurters.
Why is Basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
How did the witch invite the wizard to take an evening ride on her broomstick?
Voodoo like to ride with me?
When is a turkey scary?
When it's a goblin.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer?
Light ale!