Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.

Why aren't there more Bigfoot jokes?
There are, but they're really hard to find!

For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.

What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW

Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer

How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.

It’s a good thing I have my library card because I am totally checking you out.

What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile.
A funeral.

What did fog do to make the captain angry? He mist the boat.

I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.

What do you call an elderly Spanish man?
A senõr citizen.

I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.

What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.

What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A loan shark

I was at my hotel in Spain and wasn't feeling well.
Reception said they had a doctor on staff.

The doctor asked me lots of questions and I was then feeling much better.

I told reception I didn't expect a hotel would have a doctor on staff

They said it was a Spanish Inn Physician

Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.

Are you from history? Because your body looks royal.

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth

What is the preferred shampoo brand of truck drivers?
Lorry-el

Where do horses get their mane cut?
The hair-dressager.

Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga

There once was a Halloween party
All of the costumes there were naughty
I tried to be cute
Wearing my birthday suit
And won the prize for costume most gaudy.

The highlight of the year for dear old Dad

Was Halloween when treats were to be had

His modus operandi

Son you collect the candy

Snickers for me - licorice for you lad.

What do you call a problematic person with a gun?
A troubleshooter.

Q: Why does the cherry have a hard time getting along with others?
A: It has crust issues.

Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.

What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light

What sits in a tree and says "Hoots mon, hoots mon?"
A Scottish owl.

What kind of jokes do skeletons tell?
Humerus ones.

“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”

“Did you know that Father Christmas has a daughter? Her name is Mary Christmas.”

“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke

A week after the werewolf swallowed the farmer’s clock, it had ticks all over.

What do you call someone who's obsessed with Christmas? Santa-mental.

What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.

I’ve always thought that heck is the only thing hotter than the sun but that has all changed today.

Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.

"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"

What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!

I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."

Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.

Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.

(By John P. Read )

What's the problem with Father's day?
It always falls on Son-day

In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.

Are you a lexicographer? Because you make my life more meaningful.

Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.

How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks

I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.

What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.

It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.

My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.

Why did the skeleton need a hug?
Because he had nobody.

How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.