Oh, I thought I was playing the first round, but I guess I got a free pass. Bye.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Denise sees the fleece,
Denise sees the fleas.
At least Denise could sneeze
and feed and freeze the fleas
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
When did the pianist finally turn their life around?
After they hit Rockbottomoff.
Are you a card?
We're perfectly suited for each other
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white?
Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
Did you hear about the woman who complained about her rabbit stew? She said there was a hare in her soup.
I’m trying to find a date for this weekend…do you Noah guy?
Are you a durian? Because you're a total snack, but you smell like rotting flesh.
What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?
Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.
What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!
Why did the vegetarian stop running cross country?
He did not like the meets.
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
I’m rooting for you!
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
What’s a racehorse’s favorite clothing brand? Jockey.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."
Why did Italy surrender in WW2?
Because Italics aren't bold.
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
Are you a unicorn cause you are my fantasy.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Arfur.
Arfur who?
Arfur got!
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
What do you call a kangaroo that’s exhausted from trespassing?
Out of bounds.
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?
How are you supposed to eat if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? MY ZIPPER!
What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.
Who needs a sled when you can just ride me?
Irish I had another Guinness to drink.
If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
You remind me of cheese... I want you on everything!
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells, jungle bells…
The hiker hated the top of the mountain because it was all downhill from there!