Do you have an inhaler? You took my breath away.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
Got any raisins? No? Then how about a date?
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout “Fetch.”
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
Let's cross the international dateline together.
Is it hot in this Bikram studio, or is it just you?
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
Are you teh Easter Bunny? Because you’ve spent the entire day hopping around in my head.
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? None, because they were all copycats!
I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away...
That's probably going to come back to bite me later.
And speaking of meloncholy, I heard that’s what you get when you cross a watermelon and broccoli.
What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
The ones with thick icing!
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.
When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men
You have to fear the wurst.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
By the seat of one’s punt
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
Let me check your tag.
Yep, just as I thought - Made In Heaven.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?
A spine-tingler.
Someone vandalized my keyboard leaving only 1 button.
Surprisingly, the police were more thorough in the investigation than I expected. They even asked to see my colon.
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
What did the worm say to his friend when he got stuck in pumpkin?
Worm your way out of that one!
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
Baby, we need to get together before Christmas, because you can't spell "love" with No-el.
Let’s show Potassium and water that the two of us can make a more energetic reaction together than them!
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.
The great Greek grape growers grow great Greek grapes.
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
Hey, are you a bear cub? Because you’re un-bear-ably adorable.
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
What did the fawn say to warn her friend about the haunted house?
“Don’t go deer!”
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
It's been a hard day's night without your lovin', Oh darling.
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.
I won't take no for an answer. I'm having Nunavut.
How many ears do you think a Spock has? Three. A right ear, left ear, and a final front ear.
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
Are you a banana? Because I find you a-peeling
I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age
and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"