“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown

What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!

“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”

- Sue Murphy.

Can I call you pia mater? Cause you’re always on my mind.

Do you like yoga? Because I could downward dog you all night.

Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.

How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.

What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green

Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.

How did the serve know when the bad serve was not with the hand? The server knew it was the foot fault.

What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try and try and try and try-ceratops

Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.

What did one Emperor Penguin say to the other?
Nothing, he just gave him the cold shoulder.

What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.

All stereos are so typical.

Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.

The storm suppose to knock out the power, but your eyes have all the electricity I need.

What kind of bread do elves use to make sandwiches?
Why shortbread of course!

Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.

Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.

Two Sisters Reunite after Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter.

Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.

The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!

Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.

As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.

So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.

But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!

- Denise Rodgers

30 Year Friendship Ends At Alter

What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.

Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving? The turkey because he's already stuffed!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.

What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!

Do you want some raisin? How about some jam to go with it.

What did the koala say to his girlfriend?
I love you-calpytus.

"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child

What do you call a Mexican bear with a rubber toe?
Robearto.

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!

I'm no curler, but I think I could sweep you off your feet!

Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.

The sound of my bones really cracks me up.

I love you so much that If you were suddenly on fire, I'd pee on you.

When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.

Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.

Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.

She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"

I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."

When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.

I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.

I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."

Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!

Q: Why was the cloud so dark and stormy?
A: It was feeling mis-thunder-stood.

What do you do if you get attacked by a killer clowns?
Go for the jugular.

I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.

You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.

Truck drivers have a great way of settling disputes – they only use their horns. It’s known as a fight to the deaf.