Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?
They do it for the Experience.

Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.

Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?
A frog with hiccups.

"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White

What do you call an ant who joins the army?
Milit-ant.

Hannibal crossed the Alps because it was safer than crossing the elephants.

What did the Indian kid say to his mother when she left India?
Mumbai

Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.

Girl, if I am epsilon, will you be my delta?

While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.

Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.

He was delicious!!

(Shel Silverstein)

“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears

There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.

"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney

“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown

Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."

Hey pretty lady, let me take you out on a first date in the snow. I promise I’m not a flakey person.

Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.

My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins.
Oh, gourd, was it awful.

What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.

A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by.
The sphinx said to the man, "You may pass if you can answer my riddle: What is wider than an ocean, heavier than a mountain, and unbounded by the laws of physics?"
The man thought for a moment and answered, "Imagination."
"Wrong," said the Sphinx. "The answer is your mom."

You can fix a broken strawberry with a strawberry patch.

I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield

The police officer only had soups for dinner. He was a soup-erintendent.

I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.

An innocent fellow named Tim
Met a zombie quite horrid and grim.
Tim patted its head
Before it had fed.
I wonder what happened to him!

What do you call a solar powered keyboard?
A photosynthesiser

What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.

“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”

"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"

Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.

My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.

I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.

“I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more--that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangn

I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.

What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.

So how many cats do you have?

Apart from being a running gear model, what do you do for a living?

Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.

René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.

I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.

In the Camel Kingdom, the king and his family live in the Camelot castle.

Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!

What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.

Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.

What do fish and women have in common? They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them!

You are pitcher perfect.

What do you call a goat who is in charge of a university?
Billy Dean.

I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.

Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?

Things ran more fluidly.