I have been trying to write a new pizza joke…
But I can’t work out the delivery.
Where do crabs invest their money?
A sea bank.
Excuse me, do you happen to have a Band-Aid? ‘Cause I scraped my knees falling for you.
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.
A ghost's favourite pie flavour is boo-berry.
Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!
Girl, you must be a possessive pronoun because I think you're mine.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops.
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
Flashier Great Tits Produce Stronger Sperm, Bird Study Shows.
What did the beaver say to the river? Meet me around the bend.
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
I’m not usually one for Austin-tatious pickup lines, but I decided to make an exception for you.
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
My writer buddy went to buy a new boat...
He named it Penman-Ship.
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
Even Pepcid AC can’t stop my heart from burning for you.
Where do elves go to get famous?
Holly-wood.
Why should the Sun get into a school? To get brighter.
"I Can Rise And Shine"
I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
Why do you only drive automatics?
‘I could never find a manual.’
I had never seen a horse that white. Perhaps, that is why it is called a mayo-neighs.
You are photon quanta to my valence electron because you excite me to a higher energy level.
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
The soup that she cooks is so thick that the kitchen would go around when she stirs it.
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser!
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.