You mermake me happy.
I am really good with PowerPoint because I Excel at it.
Excuse me, do you happen to have a Band-Aid? ‘Cause I scraped my knees falling for you.
Why don’t fish play basketball?
Because they're afraid of the net.
What did the lobsterman say when his crate turned up empty?
It a-piers we have a problem.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ireland!
Ireland who?
Ireland you money, if you promise to pay me back.
Your name must be Lucky Charms because you’re magically delicious!
What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.
We could make such a beautiful library together.
In every corny joke,
There is a kernel of truth.
What is a car’s favourite colour?
Racing car green.
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
"Stop and smell the rosé."
Do you like the internet? Because I can put you on there if you come back to my place.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What do you call a Rabbi who works with solvents?
An acidic Jew.
Soviet goaltenders got their hair cut at Vladislav's Tress-shack.
Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.
Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.
Me: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.
Friend: How?
Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
Did you hear about the spies trying to infiltrate japan, Italy, and Germany in WWII?
They were denied axis.
What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.
Grate.
Have you ever worked in a hotel?
Then why are you checking me out?
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.
I know why Solomon had 600 wives, because he never found you.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
It’s never great taking a truck driver to the cinema to watch a film. They only really like the trailers.
Boy: You know quickie has u And i together.
Girl: Too bad ugly starts with a u.
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
What would a pineapple say to a pineapple pie? You have some crust.