What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
Why do you need six players to carry the volleyball to the game? No one can carry the volleyball and a whole team.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
Where do you think the astronauts keep their sandwiches? In the launch-box.
Which rangy centre could cover the whole ice? Jean Umbrelliveau.
Q. Where do lady gorillas go for a wild weekend night out?
A. Chimpendale's.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
“Did you know that Father Christmas has a daughter? Her name is Mary Christmas.”
I always tend to forget the french word for strawberry sometimes. But, then I eventually remember the fraise.
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.
If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.
It's been a hard day's night without your lovin', Oh darling.
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
When God made you, he was just showing off.
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
"You're perfect in every way, just not for me."
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
V
V
Edit*: sorry it seems as the CTRL button on my keyboard isn't working
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
If an elf can’t do something right now, how do they handle it?
Shelf it for later.
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.
I knew a guy who gave away his art but he only seemed to paint ducks with incomplete faces.
I asked about it once and he said "I like to bill them later."
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.
Fresh French fried fly fritters
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
What do you call an insect that can’t drink milk?
Lactose intoler-ant.
Want to show me how to make steamy greens?
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
What's a pickle's life philosophy?
Never a dill moment.
What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle!
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fangs
Fangs who?
Fangs for letting me in!