I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
The cat’s out of the bag – I love you purry much.
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
If you used a keyboard with built-in speakers, you would be...?
Stereotyping.
What does Darth Vader say when he plays volleyball? May the spike be with you.
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
Did you hear about the little people starting a beer making operation?
It's a micro brewery.
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.
Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
Is there wifi in here? Because I feel we have a strong connection.
Do you know the easiest way to stop squirrels from playing soccer in your garden is to hide the ball? Well, it drives them nuts.
Why did the hard drive crash?
Because it had a bad driver.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
Fred is so condescending about my tennis strokes. I can’t take any more of his backhanded compliments.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
How do mares keep track of their boyfriends?
A stud book.
Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows.
Don't get tide down.
You’re my pot of gold.
What did the beaver say to the river? Meet me around the bend.
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
I don't normally like girls who wear red coats. But, for you I'll make an exception.
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
Why was the football pitch a triangle?
Because someone took a corner
If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
Why did the butter keep talking? Because he felt like he was really on a roll.
You are photon quanta to my valence electron because you excite me to a higher energy level.
How many eyes does a spider have? Doesn't matter, cause all of them are on you.
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus
If you were born and raised in France, what does that make you?
French bred.