"Little Boy Blue"
Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.
Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!
– Darren Sardelli
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had? Baby dinosaurs!
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
I really can't finish a box of strawberries all by myself, Would you like to share with me over some wine?
"Are you a witch because you sure got me spellbound."
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
Suzie Seaword's fish-sauce shop sells unsifted thistles for thistle-sifters to sift.
What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
I think you're mer-mazing.
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
What does a penguin where to the beach?
An ice cap.
Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.
What do you get when you dump your Easter eggs on a hill?
A spring roll!
I’m fondue you.
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
Hey baby are you a boxer? You should try it, because your one hell of a knock out!
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Double
Double who?
W!
You can’t predict wind speeds with certainty. The best you can do is make a gust-imate.
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.
I've taken up online yoga since the COVID-19 outbreak started.
It helps me namaste at home.
If snowmen can’t ride bicycles, tricycles, or unicycles, what can they ride?
Icicles!
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
What did the art teacher say to the aspiring actress? You sure look the art.
Do you want to hear a joke about a bolt of lightning?
Actually, maybe not. The end is rather shocking.
What do computers eat for a snack?
Microchips!
Why was there no food left at the Halloween party?
Because everyone was a goblin.
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
That elliptical isn't the only thing getting my heart rate up…
The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
Why does everyone paint Easter Eggs? Because it is a lot easier than wallpapering them.