Why did the peach go to the therapist? It was in a pit of despair.
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
What do you call a rabbit housekeeper? A dust bunny.
A certain Leafs right-winger was sued by the Louisiana government. He was
Owen N'awlins.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo. They get really blue.
I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
What trees do ghouls like best?
Ceme-trees!
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
I’m icing the kicker – and by kicker, I mean beer.
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
Whenever two vegetarians fall in love, you know that’s going to be a great pear. Now lettuce celebrate, because we all love vegetables.
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
Roses are red, my face is too, this only happens when I cycle with you.
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive…
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
If you really want to get a date at a restaurant, it’s always nice to cut to the cheese.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
Why do bee keepers have beautiful eyes?
Because they hold bees. (Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder)
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
Jellyfish and peanut butterare sea turtles favorite sandwich.
Shamrocks and shenanigans for all!
Q: Did you hear the one about the virus?
A: Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
I hate scuba diving.
It was the lowest moment of my life.
I'm single and desolate. Can you help me?
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
What’s the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
What does a Greek God say when they answer the phone?
"Whodisious?"
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
You're like an SSRI. It only makes sense when you are with me.
Erase erratic bat from your vocabulary because I am as functional as they come.
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn