Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!

What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.

"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide

My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.

Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.

Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.

The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!

(Samatha C. Ringle)

Cutie, you must be a red blood cell because you take the oxygen away from my lungs and send it straight to my heart.

What’s a dog’s favorite breakfast?
Woofles.

Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
Because they always get Lost at C (Sea).

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.

Are you Medusa? When you looked at me the world seem to stop.

Miners Refuse to Work after Death.

Every book has some flaws and mistakes, no matter how good the editor. It’s bound to happen.

How do bats tell their future? They read their horrorscope.

A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"

Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.

How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.

Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!

When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!

(Santhini Govindan)

What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.

I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.

How were these puns about puns?
They were pun-questionably pun-fortunate!

"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain

Hey Anthony, methinks Antho-Need your number

“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.

Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.

What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.

Is a goat that eats office supplies on a staple diet?

Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.

“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous

What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny

Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf taught!

A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.

You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.

When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.

“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux

Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps

Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?

A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."

Hey cutie, I Sense you have a lot of Sensibility. Was that too Austen-tatious of me to point out?

“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer

Hey baby, I just found out our shirts were manufactured in unfair working conditions; let's take them off.

There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.

What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.

What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.

My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)

Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.

Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.

My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'