I made a snap decision to watch football today.
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
I just can't take the bad s*x anymore.
There’s two balloons in the desert. One says look out for that cactus!
The other goes What Cactussssss...
Icy what you did there.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
I only have ice for you.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn’t.
What did the guard say to stop the horse from escaping?
Halt-her!
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
There was news of a snowstorm. It arrived white on time.
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
Q: When does a doctor get mad?
A: When he runs out of patients!
What quarantine really taught me?
That you don't really need fun to have alcohol.
Why was the picture of the dog sent to jail?
Because it was framed.
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
You're like my favorite candy bar, half sweet, half nuts.
What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son
"Beehive!"
What do you call a goblin with an injured leg?
A hobblin' goblin.
What did the pinecone say to the pineapple? Nice to meet juice.
Salty but sweet.
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
Wine puns. They're always in pour taste.
A potato gave a gift to his girlfriend.She said, “Aww, why are you so sweet? ”He said, “It’s just the
way I yam.”
What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
My neighbors house got struck by lightning.
It hit close to home.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
I won an argument about weather forecasting accuracy. My fellow debater's logic was cloudy. After his defeat, he was fuming and he stormed out of the room.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
You’re just like how I like my potatoes — sweet.
Are you epinephrine? ‘Cause baby, you make my heart race….
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
You elevate checking out to a mystical event worthy only of gods and champions.
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
I was gonna make some car puns...
but I ran out of gas.
Do you get a hint of almond in this Keemun? No? That’s odd because I’m nuts about you.
I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
Magma
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson