What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod."
Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.
Are you a durian? Because you're a total snack, but you smell like rotting flesh.
That romantic cow took his new girlfriend to the moo-vies.
I froze some raspberries last summer. You're hot enough to defrost them.
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.
What kind of cheese protects a castle?
Moat-zarella.
Repeat this as many times as you get rejected until you get the number. Works like a charm.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.
Have you seen any linking verbs around here? Because you are my complement and I want to connect.
Hey girl, are you a Sharpie? Cause you are Ultra Fine.
What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Challah if you see me in the streets. Will do.
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
My love for you is like a Trojan Horse, it’ll sneak up on you when you least expect it.
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
The ghost was told off when he spook out of turn.
Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can't walk.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
Fall is coll-arding; it’s time to leave.
Why did the baseball player decide to shut down his website?
It just wasn't getting any hits.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
What would you call an elf with lots of money?
W-elfy!
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
Will you Scarlett me take you out this weekend?
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I avoid bike trails after dark. They are full of cycle paths.
There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
What do you call a hangover when you're alone in Spain?
Barf-a-lona.
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'