Have you heard about the new his & hers toothpaste?
The flavor is "mint to be".

Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.

But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.

(Kevin Nishmas)

The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.

Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.

What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.

Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.

My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!

A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.

I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.

What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?
Stake n shake!

What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!

A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.

What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.

“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”

- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.

Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.

What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.

What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!

What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...

I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.

What did the zombie say after seeing his neighbor’s new car?
- I’m green with envy!

May I have your number, so we stop being strangers?

I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.

If I can't score, can I at least get an assist?

Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.

The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.

I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.

How much does a Polar Bear weigh?
I don't know.
About ten pounds less than you, fat-ass.

Are you Darth Vader, because I wouldn't mind if you used a little force to choke me.

Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”

What do rocks eat?
Pom-a-granites.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put I at the beginning and U at the end.

I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.

If you put your ear up to a Taco Shell
You can hear the Sí.

Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.

Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.

We did not understand what the mother turtle was saying because it was all in ridleys.

Variety is the ice of life.

"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"

I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!

– Emily Dickinson

Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.

"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe

If my life was a cake. Then you'd the cherry on top.

Checked into a hotel and was offered the black & white or the rainbow room. I chose the rainbow one as I like a room with a hue.

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)

What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.

Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.

There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.

I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.

I wish I were your integral so I could fill the space beneath your curves