What did the ghost knights say to the cloud king?
Our souls will rain forever.
If you don’t have a lot of figurines from Ancient Greek mythology, I can give you a mini tour.
What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.
Why are people buying so much toilet paper because of the corona virus?
Because when one person sneezes, 100 people shit themselves.
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
Where do sharks go on vacation?
Fin-land.
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
How will you make a baby astronaut fall asleep peacefully? Rock-et.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
I'm no Joseph. Perhaps you can help me interpreting the dreams I've been having about you?
"Adulting makes me wine."
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
That mask is becoming on you. If it were me, I’d be coming too.
Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A tadpole.
What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.
What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?
Camembert.
I like to write jokes down and store them on my phone, so that I can tell them to him later.
I call it my Dad-abase.
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
What kind of jokes do skeletons tell?
Humerus ones.
What do you call witches who live together?
Broom-mates.
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
Let’s pretend you’re a croc so we can wrestle!
You’re so attractive, the gravitational disturbance is causing my galactic center to elongate.
Hey, my parents are out of town. That means we have the haunted mansion all to ourselves.
Did you hear about the paper boy? He blew away
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar