For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
Yule be sorry.
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
He threw three free throws.
Live to tell the tail.
If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.
How could I dance with another. When I saw you standing there.
Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!
What’s a shark’s favorite bible story?
Noah’s Shark.
What is it like to get paid smoldering at the camera while wearing expensive clothes?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.
A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asked him,"What will it be Mr seal?"
The seal responds,"anything but a Canadian Club".
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G
This match sure has me feeling Victori-ous
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
What do you think holds the moon up? Moonbeams.
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !
I met my wife at a travel agency
She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
Where will Kim Jong-un’s ashes be stored?
In a Kim Jong-urn
Cutie, you must be a red blood cell because you take the oxygen away from my lungs and send it straight to my heart.
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
Why don’t tigers like fast food?
Because they can’t catch it!
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
I never count my chickens before they're hatched.
Because they're eggs.
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head!
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
I'd run miles just to be with you.
I don’t trust grey things.
They are very shady.
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
When this planet is invaded by the aliens, I’d still hold your hand.
Hurricane Irene is a Category 3, but if it had your name it be a perfect 10.
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
What did one sushi roll say to the other sushi roll?
I’m soy into you.
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.
Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”