Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.

Hey, remember back when we were a thing… Yeah… Good times.

What do you call a bald spot on a cell phone salesperson?
A gap in coverage.

What is a flower’s favorite Journey song?
Don’t stop be-leafing.

I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.

“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson

Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.

You look pretty cool, I hope you don’t lead me Jack to square one

Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.

How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.

My psychiatrist sent me for an MRI because she thinks I have a magnetic personality.

What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.

"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard

The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.

If ten zombies run after you, what time is it?
Ten after one.

Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications

Mountains aren't just funny.
They're hill areas.

We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"

What did his wife give the guy when he came home all sweaty from his run?
The stink eye.

Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.

Can you drive my car?

Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.

What’s a deer’s go-to ice cream flavor?
Cookie-doe.

Are you a booger? Because I want to pick you first.

When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”

What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.

Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.

How can you tell that vampires love baseball?
They turn into bats every night.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.

A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.

"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"

"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.

"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'

"So here I am."

Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.

Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.

My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.

Normally my species is cold blooded, but around you I am hot blooded.

We are looking pitcher-perfect.

Wind turbine mechanics and engineers are very fond of the blew color!

I whisper my sins to crows
So my parents can't hear me confess to a murder

-
Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.

Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.

What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
“I hope I didn’t quack any.”

Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.

At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."

In on the ground flora.

I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.

What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.

What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”

Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton

“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty