Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
Fry-Day.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Two ghosts were at a disco. One was having a fa-boo-lous time and the other wanted to boo-gie all night long!
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
What do you call an alligator that makes others fight?
An instigator.
I for one
is something you might do if you had a broken keyboard
Excuse me, I seem to have lost my phone number, can you do the same?
How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code!
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Bernadette.
What animal would you most like to be on a cold day?
A little otter...
What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!
Blue jeans are immortal. They never die, they just fade away!
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need more to drink?
What has 18 legs, spits a lot, and catches flies?
A baseball team.
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
Did you hear the was a fire at a used furniture store and two people died next door?
It was due the second hand smoke
"Lazy bones."
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.
The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.
Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.
Republicans Turned Off By Size Of Obama’s Package
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Did you know you look good in short pants?
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his parents were in a jam!
What Do You Call A Clever Duck?
A wise quacker
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? Because he wanted to work over-time!
I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.