I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'

Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.

I know you don’t Naomi, but I hope you will soon

Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!

It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.

On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
Quackers

At the baking competition in October, the chef said that he had eyes on the pies!

Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.

Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat.
One got pissed.

One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.

The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.

Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.

What do you call a Minotaur in a playground?
A swing and a myth.

"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great

Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.

In your hands my heart is clay, To take and hold as you may.

Are you a virus? ‘Cause I think you’re taking control over my body.

What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.

Birds too love cheering on their soccer teams. They egg them on.

The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious

Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!

Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.

"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.

When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.

A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.
The doctor said: “I can tell right away that you haven't been eating properly."

If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.

Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!

Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.

My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one
I complimented her on picking an unteak.

How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.

Wow, we really matched? I guess we’re simply Seb-posed to be

"The Attraction of Levitation"

“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;

“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.

“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;

“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.

“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”

– H. G. Paine

“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous

Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.


(Kevin Nishmas)

Is that a telescope in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.

The favorite colors of fishes are deep blue and aquamarine blue.

A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.

How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae? Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!

"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."

– Sadhguru

My friend told me to come and meet you.
He said you're a really nice person. I think you know him.
Jesus, yeah that's his name.

“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown

Circumcision Now Seen As Pointless.

Why was Mozart a child prodigy?
All his early pieces were in A sharp minor.

Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"

“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt

SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.

"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."

What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium

You should dress up as a baker for Halloween with that set of buns.