Even The Beatles think that we should "Come Together." "Right now."
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
What is a flower’s favorite vegetable?
Cauliflower.
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.
How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae? Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!
Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
What do you get when you cross Ice, chocolate, a big strawberry, a giant pineapple, and cold milk? The worlds best Sundae!
Why don't crabs give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.
Where’s a dolphin’s favorite place to drink?
A dive bar!
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
What do you called a crow that cant find his way?
A lost caws
Are you French? I want to take a french kiss from you.
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
My buddies bet me that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl on the river. Would you like to get a drink later with their money?
I was trying to come up with a witty pun but my brain was like Han,nah
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
Where do you get frog's eggs?
At the spawn shop.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
Singing Sammy sung songs on sinking sand.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
Why are parrots the life of the party? Every day is their bird-day!
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
Defeat in soccer is only bitter if you swallow it.
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
"Eggs love you."
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
What did the glass of wine say to the beer?
Nothing... They barley knew each other.