What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers

The cat’s out of the bag – I love you purry much.

Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.

When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.

Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.

My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.

Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!

Today my "O" button on my keyboard stopped working.
Maybe it was a sign I should've stopped o-ppressing the keyboard.

What’s a bigamist?

It’s what Italians call a thick fog.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.

Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.

Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.

I usually prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree.

Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.

Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature

I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.

Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.

How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off his tail, he’ll be de-lighted!

Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !

On which website will you learn about the hidden gossips and secrets of the onion world? On the website Wiki-Leeks.

What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.

You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in the water.
If it sinks, it’s a girl. If it floats, it’s a buoyant.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lee
Lee who?
Lee me alone - I've got a headache!

Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

What do you do when your friend is a claustrophobic astronaut?
You give him a little space.

I miss you! I’ll see you tater!

I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."

Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.

Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.

(By John P. Read )

You’re brew-tiful!

What is the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut?
“A beer nut is often more than a buck but a deer nut is always under a buck.”

What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.

Did you hear about the sheep's jousting tournament?
It was a real baa-lancing act.

"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous

The turkey shot out of the oven

and rocketed into the air,

it knocked every plate off the table

and partly demolished a chair.

- Jack Prelutsky

A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”

How does Big Foot find his way through the deepest darkest forests?
He just follows the big footpath!

What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.

How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.

I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.

"You are adorable, mademoiselle. I study your feet with the microscope and your soul with the telescope."
― Victor Hugo, Les Misérables

I think we may have been transported to the surface of Mercury because things became unbelievably hot when you walked into the room.

Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.

I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.

"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"

- Jack LaLanne

What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.

“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous

Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar

My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.

Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.

What did the witness say at the gnome trial? In my gnome words here’s what happened.