Life is better when we stick together.
That look soots you.
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
“I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more--that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangn
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Hatch
Hatch who?
God bless you!
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
What spread do astronauts use on their toast?
. . . Space jam
When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
Where are noses made?
At the olfactory.
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.
My sheep-powered computer was starting to run slowly
So I added more ram
You might not be America, but I found a whole new world with you.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.
Why did the horse go to jail?
The prosecutors failed to show the burden of hoof.
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
What’s the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
Are you a rusty bike? Because you gonna squeak and scream when I ride you tonight.
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.
If Van Gogh were alive today, what might the title of his autobiography be called?
The STARRY of My Life
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
“Look round!”
Prague is my number one choice for a dream destination...
Dying to Czech it out
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
Hey baby, wanna witness a gamma ray burst?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Italy!
Italy who?
Italy all over in the morning.
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
I really caribou-t you.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
Why did the Green Giant lay down in the field?
So he could Rest in Peas.