"Aloe you vera much."

What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad

What did Betula pendula tell her little sister when she was annoyed? Leaf me alone, birch.

What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns

I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!

Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.

How did the monster predict his future?
With the horror-scope!

You have goat to be kidding me.

When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.

Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.

"I need to re-wine my life."

You look so sweet that you're giving me a cavity.

If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.

You’re just like the black line at the bottom of the pool– I’d be lost without you.

What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.

“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous

My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'

Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!

How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.

What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.

Wind energy is so popular. It has a lot of fans.

What’s the difference between a Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

Hey Audrey, Audreyly like to take you out

I have no idea how you can look so great pre-coffee.

For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"

Bee warned.
Bee puns really sting.

Sorry to interrupt with a bad pick up line, but if you were a vegetable, you'd be a cute-cumber.

Where do zombies go sailing?
Lake Eerie.

Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.

What does Minnie Mouse drive?
A Minnie van!

"The Upside-Down World"

I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;

And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;

And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.

– Hamish Hendry

What runs but can't walk? The faucet!

What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

Sip, sip, horray!

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

Why are trees so silly? All of their puns arboring and acorny.

Guess what I do when my ice house falls apart.
Igloo it back together!

How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.

My dad hates the ocean, but the other day he bought a boat.
He never could resist a good sail.

What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.

"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes

Why did the detectives suddenly appear at the concert at the beach?
Something fishy was going on.

Bro, are you a submarine?
Because you're so gnar.

Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!

I’m feelin’ pine.

"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin

There’s snow one like you.