“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
What do dolphins need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea!
Are you a dictator? Because you have absolute power over me.
Pizza: the only time top-less isn't fun
What cartoon do horses like to watch?
Whinny the Pooh.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
Are you being a ghost for Halloween, or are you just my boo?
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
I stopped for lunch at a German restaurant, but unfortunately got food poisoning. It really was the wurst.
What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.
Your love is like vodka.
You were worth the chase.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
"You make me egg-static."
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
This may be corny, but you are a-maize-ing.
I don’t know your name, but I’m sure it’s as beautiful as you are.
How do Santa’s elves go to different floors in the North Pole toy workshop? They use the elf-avator!
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Darling, I never want you to leaf me.
My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
Is it hot in here - or is it just you?
What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.
Why do werewolves do well at school?
Because every time they’re asked a question, they come up with a snappy answer!
If I had to choose between breathing and loving you, I'd take my last breath to say "I Love You".
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
I could tell you a COVID joke...
But it would take two weeks for you to get it.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
Are you the Count Dracula? When you stared at me, my heart stopped.
We aren't even in hot yoga, but you have me sweating.
What do pups eat in Italy?
Pawsta.
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.
A worm child comes home. It sees mom and asks: "Mom, have you seen dad?"
Mom says: "Dad went fishing with the guys."
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”