I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
Hey babe, how about I plan a romantic weekend get away, and while I’m gone you can pack your shit and GTFO?
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
How did the witch invite the wizard to take an evening ride on her broomstick?
Voodoo like to ride with me?
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.
If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.
*Baste on a True Story...*
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.
I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.
“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.
And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!
Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.
I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!
(Ilene Bauer)
Good gourd, pumpkin spice latte season is officially here.
Some people think prison is one word… but to criminals it’s the whole sentence.
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
What is the collective noun for cars?
Pack of cars.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
When the moisture from the sky stops falling
It really stops waning
Where is the Ghost’s bedroom located? Down the Hall-oween.
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
You're like milk, I want to make you a part of my complete breakfast.
Why are tomatoes the slowest vegetable?
Because they can’t ketchup.
What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
Do you get a hint of almond in this Keemun? No? That’s odd because I’m nuts about you.
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The
My strategy is simple, knocking them down a pin at a time.
Every time I think about you, my heart’s tempo shifts from adagio to allegro.
I wood never leaf you.
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne throughout Thursday.
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
Why is Frankenstein’s monster so popular?
He’s a real people person.
Honey, do you like water? That means you already like 80% of me.