What did Peter Pan call Tinkerbell when she corrected his spelling?
A Diction Fairy.
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
How does a group of sea turtles make a decision?
They flipper a coin.
What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
Q: How do you stop an angry tiger from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
All the grasses were bumping into each other because the grass-light wasn't working in the streets.
Hey, are you okay-leb?
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore…
But he did have a hand in it.
What kind of tea did the American Colonists want?
Liberty.
When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
We must be a cast on a spiral fracture, girl. Because we’re on a serious break.
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
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Hey baby, you’ve captured my eye. Could I have it back?
Which soccer position does a Ghost play? Ghoulkeeper, of course.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
What type of songs do planets sing?
Nep-Tunes.
We like to paddy.
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice?
Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld
What is a pirate’s favorite’s fish?
A pirates favorite fish is a swordfish!
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.
Why is a river an amazing roommate?
He just likes to go with the flow.
Hey, can I borrow your water filter? Cause you’ve got me thinking impure thoughts.
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
I've never understood the fashion industry, those people are so clothes-minded.
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
A young man had just returned home from culinary school and was telling his family about everything he had learned.
"The most interesting thing I learned was about the French Fry", he told them.
"Combing through historical records, we found that it was not first fried in France!"
His family was astounded, and asked where it was fried originally.
"In Grease, of course."
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Why did Frankenstein’s monster give up boxing?
Because he didn’t want to spoil his looks.
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
I must have a neurodegenerative disease because I’ve forgotten your number, cutie.