Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
How long does it take to brew Chinese tea? Oolong time.
Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
Q: Why does the cherry have a hard time getting along with others?
A: It has crust issues.
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
If you understand, say "understand".
If you don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
how do I understand that you understand. Understand!?
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Claire.
Claire who?
Claire the way, I’m coming through!
Let’s have high tea & fall in love sometime. You can be my little biscuit.
We’ve made a jig mistake, don’t you a-green?
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
Why is rain the best kind of music?
Because it has amazing drops.
Everything about you is perfect except one thing, you aren't married to me.
Someone from Southern France sent me an MS Word file with 200 pages.
It's a Languedoc.
I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
Excuse me, is it you or my coffee that’s getting my heart rate up?
Are you an alien because you abducted my heart long ago.
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
Why are flamingos such good patients?
They’re used to wading.
What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Cowboom.
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
On a scale from 1 to 10, you're a 9... And I'm the 1 you need.
What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
The target in soccer is to kick it where it counts.
What’s so great about whiteboards?
If you think about it, they’re pretty re-markable!
Are Earth and Moon good friends? Yes, they’ve been going around together for many years now.
"Your kisses are to dye for."
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
He threw three free throws.
Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
I have the final sleigh.
Don't tell secrets in corn fields.
Too many ears around.
I'll be your farm boy if you'll be my Princess Bride.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
Are you still wondering why the basketball player could listen to his music? Don’t you know he broke a record!
Why did the blonde volleyball player end up getting fired from her waitressing job? Someone said she needed to serve the food.