What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
What's an inmates favorite food? Cellery.
Q. How does a tree get on the computer?
A. It logs on!
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.
Now it has no friends.
What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.
I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
I'd start a revolution for your number.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
How does a restaurant get the freshest ingredients? They cut a dill.
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!
Is that the sun coming up?
Or is it just you lighting up my world?
My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
I like my coffee like I like my men: either tall or with a confusing Italian name.
Sorry, I can't play hide and seek. Someone like you is simply impossible to find.
In spite of all restrictions because of Covid, diplomats are allowed to travel freely across countries.
Because they have immunity.
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
If two vampires have a race, will it be neck and neck?
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
What a spud muffin.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
Have you ever heard of the Poder bird?
It is also known as the Toucan
I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Rocker.
I think I've just found one.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
The peach couple is in love. They seem to be born for peach other.
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.