It ain’t over till it’s clover.
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
What do you call a pony running in a circle? Centrifugal horse.
What is an evil dictator’s favorite type of weather?
A rain of terror.
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
Why do painters always fall for their models?
Because they love them with all of their art.
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
This may be corny, but you are a-maize-ing.
Do you want to be my doubles partner...for life?
Why do some zombies only eat the rich?
They are in the mood for something gore-met.
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
Q: Why did the tornado take a break?
A: Because it ran out of wind!
I want to start a deer breeding business…
But first, I’m gonna need about 5,000 bucks.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Can I have directions?
To your heart.
Are you a brand new racing suit? Because you make me forget how to breathe.
Why did he skeleton go to the barbecue? To get another rib.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
A lump of red leather, a red leather lump.
People who fall sick at the airport possibly end up with terminal illness.
What is the most affordable type of meat? Deer, it is always under a buck a pound.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
With Corona Virus spreading, I never thought our deaths will also be..
“Made in China”
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
What is a tiny cell phone called? A microphone.
I want you to know I’m here for you no matter what, Alice. Tell me anything and Alice-en
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer.
When they want to relax, ghosts have a boo-ble bath.
Do you wanna Ketchup over beer?
You’re the queen of my heart.
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A baboom.
Why don’t cars enjoy long drives?
They find them a drag.
Two Sisters Reunite after Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter.
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
How can you tell if a crab is drunk?
It walks straight
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!