A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
I asked the librarian for the new book on erectile dysfunction.
She typed on her keyboard and said "It's not coming up!"
I said "Yeah, that's the one!!"
Both tournament directors published the schedule at the same time. It was a draw.
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons — balancing them badly.
What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?
Ricotta get through this.
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
If art became imprisoned we'd have to Freda art.
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
What squeaks as it solves crimes?
Miami mice!
Hey did you know you can’t spell Dreamy without Amy?
What would you call a jellyfish combat veteran?
A man o' war.
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed The Needy
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.
But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.
So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.
I would love to show you first class.
What is the study of real estate? Homology
Q. What did they serve with nacho cheese at stag parties?
A. Deer-itos.
Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
Are you wi-fi? Cause I’m totally feeling a connection.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.