Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered
You know what’s on the menu? ME-N-U
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
What is the suckiest fruit?
A strawberry.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
How about I land my space shuttle in your International Space Station?
I hear you're looking for a stud. Well, I've got the STD and all I need is you.
"You might not carrot all, but you're irresistible."
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
How do rainbows sleep? In forty pinks.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!
What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.
What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
Never go on a date with a cactus
They'll spike your drink
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
"Alcohol you later."
What is a flower’s favorite Journey song?
Don’t stop be-leafing.
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
What is a car’s favourite band?
Van Halen.
A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.
You must be from Prague, because I can't help but Czech you out.
Hi, I see that you're new to this gym, and I wanna be the first male to bother you.
Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
Everything about you is perfect except one thing, you aren't married to me.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
What do you call a kangaroo that’s exhausted from trespassing?
Out of bounds.
The queen’s favorite form of precipitation is the reign.
Why couldn’t the cat finish watching her movie? Because she had it on paws!
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
How should you greet a Ghost? - Long time, no see.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
What do people in New Mexico eat on thanksgiving?
an Albuturquey
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
What is it called when two spies hug?
A bond-ing moment.
I'm sorry but you need to pay your rent.
You've been living in my heart for quite some time now.
Why did the old woman fall into the well?
Because she couldn’t see that well.
I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.