On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.
How do you pronounce Jasmine? Because in my head it’s “Jas-MINE”.
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.
When I look into the future, I see you giving me your number.
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
Available balance: $9.11.
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
Hey girl, do you ref during the playoffs? Cause you look like you can swallow a whistle.
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
A little less fight and a little more spark, close your mouth and open your heart.
There are so much beautiful sceneries near the river valleys. They are totally gorges.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What is a car’s preferred TV program?
The Driving Dead.
I can score more often than the average soccer player.
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh Sheet
I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"
Hey there cyclist, is that your kickstand, or are you just happy to see me?
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
What was the shark’s favorite Tim Burton film?
Edward Scissorfins.
How do you get down from a tree? You can’t because down comes from ducks.
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.
I have a question for people who take the bus...
Are you supposed to give it back?
Why couldn't anyone see the flamingo? It was in de skies.
How do pigs greet their family and friends?
With hogs and kisses.
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.
What’s a potatoes favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."