Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
If you were a tree, you'd be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.
What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move? The road!
Federer is such a legend that they named the Roger’s Cup, and Fed Cup after him.
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
Did you hear about the colorful sea cow?
Oh the hue-manatee!!!
What's the tastiest part of a floppy disk?
The cookie!
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
If I’d give you eleven roses, what would you see in the mirror? A dozen roses.
Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year... Sorry to squash your enthusiasm.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
Hey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because honestly, Karen, you are a demon.
What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
Your smile lit up the room so I had to come over.
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
Why are goldfish orange?
The water makes them rusty.
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.
When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.
What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?
Camembert.
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
I have bean thinking about you.
Sorry, can you please go away? Everytime you come around you take my breath away.
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
When we met, it was love at frost sight.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Cherries go all out when they go to festivals. You’ll probably see loads of them, running around in pie-dyed shirts.
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth.
Water you doing on [date]?
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.