After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to phone heaven and tell God I found the missing angel!
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
The strawberry was very good at racing because he was always juiced up before a race.
What did the cat say when something bad happened? That’s un-fur-tunate!
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
Picking your favorite snack can be like picking the slowest turtle in the pack.
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
Hey, I found you! You are the girl of my dreams.
Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
Distill my beating heart.
How do you organize a space party? You planet!
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
"Say you'll be wine."
My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
What clothes do rainbows wear? Thunderpants.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
Knock Knock
Who’s there Justin Justin who? Justin time to make the donuts!
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
You’re as sweet as Pi.
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
I hopped on the bus yesterday afternoon. After a few minutes, the driver asked me to sit down like everyone else
"If I Were In Charge Of The World"
If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.
If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.
If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.
If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.
– Judith Viorst
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It's been nice gnawing you.
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.
Why did the aspen date the poplar? She really found him to be in-tree-guing.
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
What does goblin's blood consist of?
Hemogoblin.
Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.
He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?
He won't inhale.