A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
What do you call a month’s worth of rain?
England.
What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?
The Bogey.
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
I had my dad proof read an essay of mine back in High School. He said my grammar was a little funny.
Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.
What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
Whats a bad flower pick-up line?
Lets put our tulips together?
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
What is Dr. Frankenstein’s favorite part of a company?
Human resources.
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
Hey girl! Let me orbit around you.
What do you get when you cross a pig and superman?
The Man of Squeal.
What did the drum say about his childhood?
Those were the cymbaler days.
Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread. How do baseball players stay cool? They sit next to their fans.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.
Why did Dracula take cold medicine in winter? To stop his coffin.
Why do zombies only date intelligent women?
They just love a woman with brains.
How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.
You know what they say about a man with big feet... he wears big shoes.
I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.
I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me
She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.
Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.
It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.
But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.
She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.
I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.
(Andrew Jefferson)
Which bird is the most contented? The crow, because he never complains without caws.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
I put the ‘laid’ in Adelaide.
Hermit crabs’ house phones were always shell phones
My two pet crabs have very different personalities. One is always in a good mood, but the other can be a bit of a grump.
Their names are crabA and crabB
Do you wanna go to a restaurant?
You can't spell “menu” without me and u.
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
Soviet goaltenders got their hair cut at Vladislav's Tress-shack.
Man: I've lost my phone number can I have yours?
Woman: Sure, my number is 911-8473 (works better if you write it down)
What a werewolf movie, talk about howling!
Are you sure we haven’t had a class together before? I could have sworn that we had chemistry together.
Some cherry puns are just pit-i-ful.
What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.
You should dress up as a baker for Halloween with that set of buns.
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
Heard the person who invented the urinals was very young.
He was a whiz kid.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.