When is the course too wet to play golf?
When your golf cart capsizes.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
Strawberries love to travel. Their favorite mode of transport is the wind-jam-mer.
My wife showed me two of her mother’s quilts and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
Why didn’t the lady skeleton wear a bikini?
Because she was big boned.
Why did DPD rush to Coors Field?
They heard somebody stole third base.
I bring my knees to my head and lean forwards.
That's just how I roll.
How did Frankenstein know Jesus was coming for a visit?
He used his frankincense.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
Life is way better in sandals, and that's one opinion that I will never flip-flop on.
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
Get that red light ready, because you and I are about to score.
I like the way you espresso yourself.
Are you a sorcerer? Because everyone else vanishes when I look at you.
[Chicken] We’re serving this during the game, so you might call it a live ball fowl.
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
What do you call an evil lemon?
Sour On
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
Let’s spend some koala-ty time together.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
When you cross a plane and a snake, you will end up with a Boeing Constrictor.
My feelings for you are Mont-real.
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
You can hold my hand if you're afraid of camp fire stories.
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
Hey, wanna come to my place and observe something else that's constantly expanding?
“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”
I’ll open your heart like Nixon opened the door to China in ’72.
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
You know, it's not the length of the vector that counts. It's how you apply the force.
Q. What did the doe say to the louse on her new baby fawn?
A. Gosh deer nit!
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”