What did Papa Pig shout at his kids in the car?
“Stop swining! We’re nearly there.”

"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown

"No wine left behind."

What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins

What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."

What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).

I don't bite you know - unless it's called for.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.

I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.

Eosin is red. Collagen stains blue. I’m stuck prepping slides, but thinking of you.

I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.

Why are unicorns considered to be among the most impatient mammals? They’re quick to get to the point.

How about we drop the gloves and go at it?

Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”

Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow.

Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!

“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous

Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.

When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!

Were you born on the Bluenose? Because baby, you're a dime.

What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.

I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.

I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”

Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.

The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.

What do a great hitter and a boxer have in common?
Both are serious sluggers.

What happened to the pig who liked pineapple? He turned into a porky-pine!

A space fish is usually called starfish.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

I know a pea that's a famous singer. He's a VIP.

What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman

What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!

I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.

If anyone says you’re a 10/10, they are lying, you’re an Ella-ven

Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!

I won't take no for an answer. I'm having Nunavut.

What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.

“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke

I slipped some Great Barrier Reefers in yur drink.

Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.

What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.

Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.

Want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I'll dig something up!

Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock

"The Attraction of Levitation"

“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;

“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.

“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;

“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.

“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”

– H. G. Paine

I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.