What do you call a gorilla who has been locked up in prison?
A kong-vict
Please don’t go now. Else, I would have to go to the police station and report you to the cops. You just stole my heart.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
What does Willow Smith say to her pets? I whip my hare back and forth.
The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
My computer wants to build a snowman.
It's frozen.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.
What do you call a cold crocodile in winter? A refrigerator.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
What does a flower do when they get caught in a lie?
Backpetal.
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
How did the gorilla know she was poorly? She had a belly ape.
Roses are red, violets are blue, trash is dumped and so are you.
My father is so cheap...
When we go to bed he unplugs the clocks.
Grasshoppers do not fancy soccer matches because most of them prefer cricket matches.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
Let’s make like a banana and split.
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
My bank is really proud of me.
According to them, I have an outstanding balance!
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion
What did the banana do when it saw a gorilla? The banana split.
Are you in the Library catalog? I'd love to get you're number.
Why did the girl decide to become an art dealer? Because she wanted more Monet.
Herb your enthusiasm.
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
Here's to a big opening weekend.
What was the conversation like at the dinner party with all the boring flowers?
Like pollen teeth.
Do you comma here often?
You don't need an international ticket to get duty free with me.