Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
What kind of person would sell someone a sham-rock?
A lepre-con!
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter. A little (h)otter
What are you doing this saturday? I've got a football match, but I'd rather score with you
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
Girl, are you a swimming cap? Because you’re always on my head.
Why does water never laugh at jokes?
It isn’t a fan of dry humor.
What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the Kid.
This must be decaf, cause you’re just dreamy!
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
The Tsar Bomba, the most powerful nuclear explosive in recorded history, has an output of 57 megatons of TNT
And that pales in comparison to how much of a bombshell you are.
As soon as one beaver jumped in the river to search for his key, it got shocked, as the current was too strong.
Whose music do elves like the most?
Elf-is Presley.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
I only have ice for you.
Your body has the nicest arc length I have ever seen.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
My theater group is writing a sci-fi thriller about classical musicians.
I'll be Bach.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes.
If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Control freak.
Co…
You should say "Control freak who" now.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
Musicians?
Oh yeah, we think outside the Bach’s.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
Did you hear that cats have carried out a Coup in Barcelona and declared independence from Spain?
They're calling themselves the Republic of Catalo-nya.
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on. They just need to bring on their subs.
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing?
“I’m not a people porcine.”
I hate getting tide down in one place. So let's take an ad-van-ture.
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
What does the parrot get at the end of a restaurant meal? The bill!
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.