You seem a little mer-mad.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!
I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water...
It’s an untapped market.
Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? So he could tie the score.
"Time to wine down."
Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.
Sir William Howe... are you doing?
What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.
Wow, two teaspoons? Lucky for you, I’m a pretty good spooner myself.
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
Two snowmen were standing in a yard. One asked the other, "Do you smell carrot?" The other snowman replied, "No, but I can taste coal."
Did you get lost on your run? Because heaven is a long way from here.
County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
Were you forged by Sauron? Because baby, you're precious.
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
Where are dramatic hard drives from?
Oh I/O
When I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flower, my teacher said I was the perfect roll-model.
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
Did you damage my cerebellum? Because I’m falling all over the place for you.
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
What did the ghost who crashed the Halloween party say? - I’m here for the boos!
How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”
Let’s pretend you’re a croc so we can wrestle!
Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.
Why don’t we go somewhere where I can stick a candle in your jack-o-lantern?
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Parton!
Parton who?
Parton my French!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Isabell.
Isabell who?
Is a bell working?
I always have a souper time with you.
What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?
A furricane
Nathan compares to you
Fish taco says why don't you want to taco about it And the nacho says cause I'm nacho friend.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a mammoth’s tusk?
A sabre-toothed tiger.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.
Are you my training plan? Because I'll go as long as you tell me to.
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!
Won't you wear my ring up around your neck
To tell the world I'm yours by heck!