In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
There those thousand thinkers were thinking how did the other three thieves go through.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
Hey Erin, ever heard that sharin’ is carin’? Care to share a meal together sometime?
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
I’m not being obtuse, you are acute girl.
What do you call a dog on the beach in the summer? A hot dog!
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
Why won’t you ever find a unicorn in the army? Because they don’t like wearing uniforms.
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.
Bodies in garden are a plant says wife
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
Wow, you're so cool in this hot weather that my freezer is jealous of you.
Four types of weather were having a race. Sunny won gold, cloudy got silver, snowy picked up a bronze, and rainy won a precipitation award.
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Can’t believe I’ve gone this long in my life without Ben by your side
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
In life, the rule of thumb is, don’t bite more than you can chew unless it is chocolate.
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
What kind of dog keeps everything they own?
A hoarder collie.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
I’d like to tell you folks a joke about paper, but It’s tearable.
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see!
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
What do pines eat for breakfast? Past-trees.
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
Used to never be able to use the WiFi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.
Now I have a stable connection.
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
Prague is my number one choice for a dream destination...
Dying to Czech it out
Did you hear about the battery and the volleyball who got into a fight? The volleyball is waiting to go to church and the battery was charged.
Roll over. I'll scratch your belly.
Someone said you were looking for me.
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.