How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.
I started sleeping on the left side of the bed
It just doesn't feel right.
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
If you were a laser, you’d be set on “stunning.”
How do werewolves stop a video?
They press the paws button.
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
What do Muslims do during the coronavirus outbreak?
They stay in Quran-tine.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
How does a kangaroo win a gold medal?
In the long jump.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
I just saw a huge killer fish singing and playing guitar in the city center.
I think it must be a busking shark.
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
What do fruit wear when they go swimming? A one-peach bathing suit.
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.
Checking in for a flight, I was asked, "Window or Aisle?"
I said, "Window or you'll do what?
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Roach.
Roach who?
Roach you a letter, did you get it?
What do you call a kangaroo in Africa?
Lost.
An actor I know fell through the floor recently. It's just a stage he was going through.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
You just caused a heat wave.
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam
She passed.
What do you do with a green ghoul?
Wait until it ripens!
You’re like a pair of goggles; without you, everything’s a blur.
I saw the chicken quickly crossing the basketball court? Then I remembered that the referee was blowing fowls.
When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men
You have to fear the wurst.