What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
After graduating from high school, crows go to caw-lleges for further studies.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
Why did the optimistic electrician lose his job?
He kept on turning negatives into positives.
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
My Roomba accidentally rolled out of my front door, and the neighborhood squirrels and rabbits immediately started attacking it.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?
They both share your blood.
Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?
Because he couldn't keep his calves together!
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.
It may seem a bit corny but we appreciate you working your tail off for us.
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
I was at a bar and heard a band playing a Queen cover. I asked them what the name of their band was. They are called the Champignons my friend.
If Corona virus is just a beer virus..
Then it’s just a yeast infection!
What did the teenage horse say when her phone broke?
I canter even.
Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A Carpet
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
I should have dressed up as a ghost tonight so I could let you under my sheets.
I heard that a truck carrying Scrabble tiles has just overturned… Well, that’s the word on the street, anyway.
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
Why don't crabs give birthday presents?
Because they're just shellfish.
I'm always really disappointed when I pull up to a yard sale...
And they aren't willing to sell me any of their yards.
Driving a truck carrying cutlery is easy – as soon as you see the fork in the road, you know you’re there.
"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"
Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.
Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!
Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!
I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!
– Kelly Roper
What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
You're my missing ingredient.
Packing is my expertise. So, I can easily fit into your heart.
So how many cats do you have?
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
I saw you on Spotify so thought to text you. You were in the hottest singles this week.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation.