"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!
How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
What did Delaware? a New Jersey
You're as classy as the first Pan Am flight.
What do you get when a penguin lays an egg on a hill?
An eggroll.
What's your name? Because I'll be screaming it all night long.
How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Are you Vietnamese? Cause I'm falling pho you.
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
What might folks in Tokyo find between Godzilla's toes?
Slow runners.
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
Military submarines are a deep navy blue in color.
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
Girl, want to watch me play? I never miss the target.
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
Mushroom puns are the best for any occasion. They are very portabella.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
Does February like March?
No, but April May.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.
Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.
Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!
Why didn’t the skeleton play football?
His heart wasn’t in it.
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
Hey there, don’t add honey to that chamomile. You’re already too sweet.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?
Where were you on the night of September to March?
Where do werewolves hate shopping?
The flea market.
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.