I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
If you have a line of 100 rabbits in a row and 99 of them take 1 step backwards, what do you have? A receding hare line.
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
What do you call a dog that comes back from the dead?
A zom-beagle.
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
You know you're just like the sun, your beauty is blinding.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
What is it called when a witch only casts spells that rhyme?
Poetry in Potion.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
Q: Why did the tornado take a break?
A: Because it ran out of wind!
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
The chicken got sent off in the middle of the match because of their persistent fowl play.
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.
My zebra is a rubbish ballet dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.
What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
Why can't Superman eat the corn tortillas at taco Tuesday?
He's afraid of that chip tonight.
They say one man's trash is another man's treasure. I hope you find someone who treasures you.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
I think you're mer-mazing.
My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.
I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.
Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.
Q: What did the artist say to the dentist?-
A: Matisse hurt
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.
Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
Are you a chocolate cake? I’m craving something sweet.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.
What do a great hitter and a boxer have in common?
Both are serious sluggers.
The refs kept calling interference, even though goalmouth incidents were in
de-crease.