What do you say when your horse proposes to your other horse?
Call the marrier!
Why couldn't the little witch read her spellbook?
It was written in curse-ive.
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
"A Parent’s Prayer"
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,
Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!
– David Axton
You are my belongingness to my Maslow's Humanistic Theory based on the Hierarchy of needs.
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
Get in the swim this summer.
Angels could fly, but I didn't know they could run.
What’s your go to order at a bar? Mine is A Big Ale
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
Why are crows so interesting?
Just beCAWse
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
You must be the North Star because the light around you guided me here.
My grandfather had the heart of a tiger
And a lifetime ban at the zoo
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
What kind of tropical fruit wants to visit the moon?
A Coco-naut
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
Did you hear about the generous and kind deer? She had a hart of gold!
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
Baby, you remind me of the constitution, because you look like a national treasure.
I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.
I recently got offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.
Looking back, I now think it was a mist opportunity.
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!
Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
Fred is so condescending about my tennis strokes. I can’t take any more of his backhanded compliments.
If you ride your bike twice a day, is that recycling?
Why did I start making a cherry pie? Bake-cause I love it.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
Who is a crow’s favorite actor? Russell Crow!
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.