Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
Why did the elephant start the stampede?
Because it wanted to be herd.
What’s a dog’s favorite condiment?
Fetch-up.
What family does Maiasaur belong to? I don't think any families in our neighborhood have one!
What do cats do after watching a play? Give a round of a-paws.
What noise does a gorilla’s doorbell make?
King Kong
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad.
What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?
A hamster
Where do horses go on vacation?
Flankfurt.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.
Are you an astronaut? Because I need some space.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
Don't theater jokes always seem so staged?
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
You’re so beautiful even the leaves fall for you.
"No eggs-cuses."
What kind of cat works for the Red Cross? A first-aid kit!
Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
Why did the beaver cross the river? To get to the other side of the river.
The artist painted himself into a corner, leading to his death.
You're so clover!
Was going to change my password to MilkyTea but apparently that's too weak.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
What did you have for breakfast?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for lunch?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for dinner?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What do you do when your sister comes home?
- rubber balls and liquor!
Why did the castle keep swearing?
It had turrets.
If you are wondering about the fuzziest character in the gaming world, well it is definitely Princess Peach.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
I'm not a snowman, but woman, you make my heart melt.
Do you beer-lieve in magic?
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
Are you a high jumper? Because you make my bar go up.
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
When the egg saw the pan, it was terri-fried.
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.