Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
A Halloween bash in my street
was a night that will never repeat
the spirits that come
were tequila and rum
and I ended up drunk on my feet.
What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos?
Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.
Have you ever heard of mushroom cars? Well, they have an interesting sound which goes line shroom shroom!
Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
I once dreamt of crossing a wide river...
But it ended up being just a ferry tale.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
Well, I have to say I am William-pressed with you
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.
Ever heard of Cawsmopolitan? It is one of the best magazines for crows.
What do you call the story of a poor witch that just became a millionaire?
Rags to witches story.
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
Sorry, But You Owe Me A Drink. Well, When I Saw You, I Dropped Mine.
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?
"Do not consume if seal is broken."
What does a flower say when they’re surprised?
What in carnation!
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
Why do flamingos make bad pets? They are too much of a birden.
Where do werewolves store their things?
In a were-house.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
What do you call a deer in a storm?
A raindeer
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!
What made the computer so smart?
Because he listened to his motherboard!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irish!
Irish who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.