What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
How can someone tell if a bee is on their phone? They'll get a buzzy signal.
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus
Let's 'bag' this place and go get a coffee. And yes, I am proud of that pun.
I wouldn't say that flying is my favorite way to travel...
But it's up there.
Airlines have nowadays become so cash strapped that they charge you for everything including emotional baggage.
Thunderstorms are shrewd investors. They put their money in a combination of frozen and liquid assets.
What do you call a ghoul who sits too close to the fire?
A toasty ghosty.
What is ice cream’s favorite TV show?
Game of Cones.
Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
Why did the worm leave the Apple?
Because Noah said to travel in pairs
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
If we were playing tennis, I'd let you score all the points so I'll always be in love.
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.
Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
I’ve just read that according to statistics, donkeys kill more people every year than sharks.
I better watch my ass.
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
Your hand looks heavy—can I hold it for you?
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
Q. Why was the blonde disappointed after her visit to an apiary?
A. There weren't any gorillas there. DUH!
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Your skin is smoother than the finest panna cotta.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
Did you hear about the computer virus that was programmed by a cat?
It's considered meowware!
I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Duckula.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
What does Earth get on Earth day ?
A birthday quake !
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
I bet you don’t talk to strangers. But, if you had my number in your phone book, we wouldn’t be strangers anymore.
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?
It remains in neutral.