I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
What would a winged horse play in a band?
The pegabass guitar.
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
The clients who buy from our gardening store are grass-ured that the artificial lawn grass would not lose its color with use.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
Elephant boxing matches are very difficult to watch. It becomes tough to identify as both have grey trunks!
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River? The Amazon River actually has sails.
When you cross a plane and a snake, you will end up with a Boeing Constrictor.
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
In your hands my heart is clay, To take and hold as you may.
“Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log.”
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
Rainbows are very uncommon, they are blue and far between.
Babe, your beauty makes the morning sun look like the dull glimmer of the moon.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because there's a new issue with you every f**king day.
People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.
You Eliza-bet I’m asking you out right away
Every time i see you, my cardiovascular system gets all worked up.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.
How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?
Move him to the front yard.
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
What happened when a faucet, a tomato and lettuce were in a race? The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
What happened when the koala tripped and fell in a crowded restaurant? He got embearassed.
Why is the French Prime Minister never seen in the morning?
Becasue he is pm not am!
Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
Have you ever seen a fish cry?
No, but I’ve seen a whale blubber.
Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.
It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.
.
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Roses should learn what it means to be perfect from you.
What did the Japanese skeleton put in his sushi?
Bone-ito flakes.
Are you a pharmacist? Because I am a patient and I heard you are patient lovers.
Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.