55. How do you tell a car you are supporting it?
‘We are routing for you!’
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
What is the most favourite drink of a cow? Mountain Moo.
I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.
It had its ups and downs.
Is that the sun coming up?
Or is it just you lighting up my world?
What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.
What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
Icy what you did there!
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
I loaf you a lot.
Let’s go to bread.
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
Baby, you're a firework.
Something in the way you move attracts me like no other
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
What did the baby computer call its father?
Data.
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
A french farmer who owned an olive plantation had a huge fire
He was extremely sad, he had lost his all his huile d'olive.
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
I had a great childhood, I remember my dad would put me in a tire & roll me down the hill all summer.
Those were Goodyears.
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
"Over-easy like Sunday morning."
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.
What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.
You’re sweeter than fructose.
What did the cherry say when it was given a bunch of flowers? You are cherry sweet.
How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
Why did the hunter miss his mark?
He was not aiming deerectly for it.
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
What do you call a boat full of high school graduates
A scholarship.
Did you hear about the extremely serious gorilla?
He didn't monkey around.