Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.

A week after the werewolf swallowed the farmer’s clock, it had ticks all over.

Excuse me, I just farted over there. Can I stand here with you?

What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.

You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing

Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.

“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”

"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"

Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.

She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.

One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.

So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.

Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"

The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.

Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta

Hey, I just got my flight number. I'm just missing your phone number.

When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!

Where do recluses live in Spain?
Barceloner.

I came here looking for a little tail.

What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? Rep Tiles

I am pretty sure that the favourite soup of Dracula is the Scream of tomato.

Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.

"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer

Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!

“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.

I'm usually not very prophetic.
But I can see us together.

Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There was a team member bar tending who could serve spiked drinks.

You're like the neighbors' WiFi. Everyone wants to use you.

I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.

When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.

What do you call a panda who’s lost his dinner?
Bamboozled.

What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”

If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"

Why did the volleyball player get sent to jail? Because he was set up.

oses are red, violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter, and so are you.

Do you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country of origin, have one goal.

The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.

But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.

What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.

You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.

What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.

Bad spelling makes me sic.

Which flower is known as the most ferocious flower? A tiger lily.

What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"

“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown

Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!

“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud

Roses are red, my face is too.. that only happens when I see you.

What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.

“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.

What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race?
A long shot.

Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!