You really mermaid my day.

I went to watch a play and there were so many peach errors in the dialogues.

What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!

- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.

How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice.

What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.

It was reported that a tiger recently exploded in the forest fire. They say it was a Royal Bang-al Tiger.

Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put down.

"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst

What do you call a nice tree that does not have any teeth? Sweetgums.

Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.

I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.

There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Claire.
Claire who?
Claire the way, I’m coming through!

That Marchesa dress looks great on you...as a matter of fact, so would I.

What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!

How do cows intake water?
by Osmoosis.

Why was Mozart a child prodigy?
All his early pieces were in A sharp minor.

What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.

Is that a telescope in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.

They found a plant that cures COVID-19!
It’s called plant yourself on the couch.

My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.

I can tell what a woman drinks just by looking at her, and for you it's a diet coke.

"Is that cannon fire, or is it my heart pounding?"
- Ingrid Bergman, Casablanca (1942)

My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.

“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”

Why was the skeleton afraid of the dog?
Because dogs love bones.

What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.

What do you call a goat that’s lazy?
Billy Idle.

I'd let you Chataranga over me any day!

The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.

A flying turtle is called a shellicopter.

"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"

In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.

What do you call a group of dyslexic crows?
A redrum.

I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.

At what time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve.

What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?

I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.

A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"

The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."

The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"

"Room with a View"

I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.

One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.

– Stephen Swinburne

My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”

“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry

My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”

My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.

“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett

If it weren’t for the summer sun, you’d be the hottest thing ever created.

What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad

“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown