Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.
The fruit bat ate the orange because of its appeal. It had such a nice color.
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
I cannoli be happy
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor? Dino-sore!
So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Q. Which Louisville race exclusively features buck and stag contestants?
A. The Kentucky Deer-by.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus To 66
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
What do you call a computer that plays tennis?
A server
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?
Why was the beaver not arrested when he jumped into the Nile? Because he was a juve'nile.
With long legs like yours, you don't need high heels.
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.
What do you call a beaver with a bad attitude who acts lazy? A beaver that doesn’t give a dam.
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
How the tree introduce themselves to the dentist?
“Implant”
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Onions have had a long process in the evolutionary chain. They have evolved into today's onions from onionderthals.
How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?
It remains in neutral.
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
What is a car’s favourite sport?
Soc-car.
What kind of vest should you wear in the fall?
A har-vest.
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
Have you ever seen a fish cry?
No, but I’ve seen a whale blubber.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
Are you my homework? Because I’m not doing you, even though I should.