I’m soy
into you.

Ireland is a little lamb-boyant.

Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!

I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.

What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.

I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!

How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"

"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong

The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.

My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.

“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin

Can you hold my gloves for me? I usually wear them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.

Baby, the Millennium Falcon isn't the only thing that does it in less than 12 parsecs.

What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

What do crows read? Cawmics.

A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"

Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Pickle

Pickle who?

Pickle little flower and give it to your mother!

You must sprinkle extra sugar in your cereal in the morning...
Why, because I'm so sweet?
No, because you're really fat.

Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.

What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.

I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.

"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."

- Jim Gaffigan

What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.

“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown

"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."

“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”

- Brian Andreas.

What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.

What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.

Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.

Why did the deer go to the spa?
“To doe off some steam!”

A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.

This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.

"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"

I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.

We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.

Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.

I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.

(Anonymous)

Do you like my cologne? It’s derived from the musk gland of the industrious beaver.

A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.

A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.

How good is a Coney Island gyro? Feta than se*.

Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.

Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.

Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!

What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.

Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.

There’s so mushroom in my heart for you.

I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.

What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!

Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!