Are you the World Cup? ‘Cause I get excited just waiting for you.
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.
A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
How do beavers make a bouncy dam? Well, they use spring water.
What's a doctor hope to gain from a urine test?
Whizdom
Is this the transfiguration?
Because you are glowing.
Driftin with an attractor like you, baby, is always 'drag free'.
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
I stopped for lunch at a German restaurant, but unfortunately got food poisoning. It really was the wurst.
I’ve never seen stars as beautiful as your eyes.
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Jester
Jester who?
Jester silly old man!
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
Is there a fireman around? Because you are smoking hot.
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
Sorry to bother you, I think I dropped my heart here. Can you pick it up?
Now get out there and pick-up your boat race sweetie!
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
Where does a cow hang his best paintings? In a moo-seum, of course.
Not to be cheesy, but you’re looking really gouda.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
I used to own a raven. It could speak English, but the only word it could speak was "car".
My love for you is as crazy as mad cow disease.
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
What's green and hangs from trees? Dinosaur snot.
A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.