Why had the beaver left the pond? He thought it was too shallow.

What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”

Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.

How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.

Why was there no food left at the Halloween party?
Because everyone was a goblin.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Kanga.
Kanga who?
Actually, it’s kangaroo.

Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.

Is there a bathroom in this tennis club? Because I’m about to drop a deuce.

Is your name Google? Because you've got everything I'm searching for.

Why was the bouncy castle so expensive? Due to the cost of inflation.

What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty!

"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho

When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.

What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.

I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.

What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.

My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

You're like baseball: A thinkin' man's game.

An ig is just a snow house without a loo!

Everything about you is perfect except one thing, you aren't married to me.

Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.

Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.

You’re all I’m Luca-ing for and more

How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare

I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.

What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.

Close your eyes and I will kiss you. Tomorrow I will miss you.

What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.

Want to become my new personal best?

"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman

What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.

“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown

If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.

What do computers do on a beach vacation?
Surf the net.

You are such a perfect arrangement of atoms.

Can we still share a netflix account?

What kind of cats love to go bowling? Alley cats!

How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.

Pirates Private Property.

An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.

Which color is the fastest?
Red, because it is always redy.

Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B?

It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.

My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!

Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.

How are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!

How does the cell phone call his girlfriend on Valentine's Day? He gives her a ring.