What do you get if you cross a lobster with a telephone?
A snappy talk.
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
In your hands my heart is clay, To take and hold as you may.
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.
If you were coffee grounds, you’d be espresso ’cause you’re so fine.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws.
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business
Get that red light ready, because you and I are about to score.
Pirates Private Property.
What did the happy cat say? Stay paw-sitive!
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
Goldfish Is Saved From Drowning
Where do crows try their luck?
Ma-cau
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
I avoid bike trails after dark. They are full of cycle paths.
I saw you on Spotify so thought to text you. You were in the hottest singles this week.
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
What did the first thunderstorm of the year say?
Hail to the spring!
My love for you is like a fruitcake during the holidays - nutty, spicy and unavoidable, no matter how hard you try.
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
Spending time at the pool really floats my boat.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In Ten Years
They found a plant that cures COVID-19!
It’s called plant yourself on the couch.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
Are you Darth Vader, because I wouldn't mind if you used a little force to choke me.
Man: I've lost my phone number can I have yours?
Woman: Sure, my number is 911-8473 (works better if you write it down)
Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.
Why can't the zombie get a job?
They all want someone more lively.
This weekend is going to be LITerary.
How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!
"I like a man that can pull off facial hair."
I think your supposed to use a razor.
What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!
What do you call a rubber bumper on a yacht?
A shark absorber.
I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!
I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.