"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it?
Flipper off!
No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
What did the brick road say on thanksgiving?
Cobble cobble cobble!
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You made my life a mess
Please call a clean-up crew
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
"Slicing Salami"
The strangest, strange stranger I met in my life
was the man who made use of his nose like a knife.
He’d slice up salami, tomatoes, and cheese
at the tip of his nose with phenomenal ease.
He’d buy food in bulk at incredible prices
and then use his nose to reduce it to slices.
His wife ran away and I know that he’ll miss her.
The woman was frightened that one day he’d kiss her!
– Denise Rodgers
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation.
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.
Man: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
Woman: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
I've been called a dirty player but lets just see how dirty we can get tonight.
What did the giant say after he ate Fiji?
- I want Samoa!
I made a snap decision to watch football today
I hope I'm on your list of things to pick up today.
I have a heart-on for you.
Q. What do biologists call an insane stag that's out running amok?
A. Deer-ranged.
Why did the ocean break up with the pond?
She thought he was too shallow.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
Babe, are you Spotify? Because I would pay premium to spend uninterrupted time with you.
Can you feel our love blossoming into a stable relationship?
Why are glow worms good to carry in your Halloween bag?
They can lighten your load!
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
Say it ain’t snow.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
I'd let you Chataranga over me any day!
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
Are you doctor recommended? Because I’d like to to get a Hailey dose
Is there an excessive heat warning or am I just hot for you.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
Q: Which U.S. state do tigers like the most?
A: Maine.