Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing?
“I’m not a people porcine.”
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
Why did the computer squeak? Because someone stepped on its mouse!
What is a crocodiles favourite dessert?
Brandy snaps.
What do you call a blind dinosaur? adoyouthinkhesaurus.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Annie
Annie who?
Annie one you like!
How did Sam win the talent show? Sam-sung.
Why don't you want to sleep in the sheep pen?
It would be total bedlam!!
What’s so great about whiteboards?
If you think about it, they’re pretty re-markable!
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
Q: What does the tiger use to brush his mane?
A: A catacomb.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
Don’t ask me for any tree puns.
Acacia haven’t noticed I’m all out.
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.
When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.
Artists know how to draw the line, so you can't really peer pressure them.
Hey girl, are you a cell phone? Because I just want to look at you all night long.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
What did the cherry say when it was given a bunch of flowers? You are cherry sweet.
An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....
No Joke.
What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
What is a medieval owl called?
A knight owl.
My coffee hasn't kicked in yet, so I can't think of a charming pickup line.
Do you have to leave so soon? I was just going to poison your drink.
What do you call a serial killer on acid?
Jack the tripper.
Tonight's forecast: 100% chance of love.
I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.