What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
Why would a judge make a good tooth fairy?
Because they want the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
What do you call a boy and girl playing blues music? The battle of the saxes.
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
When you come across a lost wolf, the first greeting should be, “how are you where-wolf”.
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
What kind of jokes do skeletons tell?
Humerus ones.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
Wife: "I'm pregnant."
Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
You should dress up as a baker for Halloween with that set of buns.
My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
A pilot friend of mine took the flight exam and flew past a rainbow. No wonder, he passed with flying colors.
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
What's a ghost with a broken leg called? A hoblin goblin.
Why was the food critic fired?
They didn't reference their sauces
Are those Guess jeans? Because guess who wants to get into them.
Is your father a boxer?
Because baby, you're a knockout.
Hey girl, are you a pulmonary embolism?
Because you're making me breathless.
How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?
They use the pew, pew-pew pews.
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
"You crack me up."
What milk comes from Spain?
Soy Milk.
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut!
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped