The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !
Are you a red blood cell? Because you never fail in delivering what my heart needs.
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
Are you a needle? Because you are sew special to me.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin you — hand over the cash!
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
What do you call an ant from overseas?
Import-ant.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Al.
Al who?
Al give you a kiss if you open the door.
Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them!
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
What do you call fifty penguins at the North Pole?
Really lost. (Penguins live in the Southern Hemisphere)!
What do you call a werewolf that can’t decide what to wear?
A what-to-wear-wolf.
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
How do people stop being crooks? They straighen themselves out!
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.
What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!
"I'm dyeing to know what's up."
When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!
What was Valentine’s favorite dessert for the French cat?
Chocolate mousse
My son fell asleep last night with the TV clicker in his hand.
He’s really embraced remote learning.
A crow’s favorite nutty dessert is Pecawn Pie.
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
"You crack me up."
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
Did the sun come up or did you just smile at me?
You’re brew-tiful!
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
There was so much crackling on the line, I thought a pig was disturbing the phone.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave? He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
I had the best ice pun to tell you…
Problem is, it slipped my mind.
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
Why is rain the best kind of music?
Because it has amazing drops.
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
"Unsatisfied Yearning"
Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,
In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight.
He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.
In order to get in.
– R.K. Munkittrick
What is the same shape and size as a sequoia tree, but weighs nothing at all? The tree’s shadow.
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
When facing trouble in the workspace, all the colorists rallied together by saying, "Come what grey, we will overcome all obstacles!"
The other day I put out a big dangerous open fire!
The other people on the hot air balloon didn't appreciate me for some reason.