To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
Whoever lives by the sword shell die by it.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
Your gloves are nice. Where did you get them?
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
How do you Charlemange-age to get through the last few days before vacation?
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
What type of ice cream do fish like to eat?
Shark-o-late!
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.
I have pea soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s why I pea soup all night!
Sorry, can you please go away? Everytime you come around you take my breath away.
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lion
Lion who?
Lion on your doorstep, open up!
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
Hey baby, I think I'm going blind. Because I can't see you anymore.
What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
Girl, want to watch me play? I never miss the target.
Big black bugs bleed blue black blood but baby black bugs bleed blue blood.
I have only two weaknesses resisting chocolate and resisting you.
What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.
What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
I tried calling my fruit friend thrice, but could not peach him, as his phone was out of peach.
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.
How many berries could a bare berry carry,
if a bare berry could carry berries?
Well they can't carry berries
(which could make you very wary)
but a bare berry carried is more scary!
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.
What four letters will frighten a burglar? O I C U Where does bad light go? To prism!