Do you know what a beavers' favorite snack is? Wood chips.
I bet you’re Ethan better in person
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
Back in the early 2010s, the peach children loved to flock around to listen to Peach Pit.
I'm no photographer but I can picture us together.
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
He’s an elf-made man.
Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
How do astronauts cook their meals?
With a Space Heater!
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
Hey there cyclist, I'll be your mechanic if you'll be my ride.
Why do witches only ride their broomsticks at night?
That's the time to sweep.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
When the mama peach found out that his child had failed his class, she was s-peach-less.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.
Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
Would you call a guy who’s eating corn while riding a unicycle a unicorn on the cob?
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
She had a photographic memory but never developed it.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
You make miso happy.
What do you call a baker with a cold?
Coughee cake.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
Are you a red light because stop.
Sleigh, what?!
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
I was reading the book of numbers yesterday, and I realized I don’t have yours.
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
Why did the pumpkin pie go to a dentist?
Because it needed a filling.
Salami get this straight, you've stolen my heart.
Me: When is your birthday?
She: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* When is your birthday?
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to phone heaven and tell God I found the missing angel!