If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
Are you an onion? Cause I want to peel your layers.
The manager for that dairy farm was referred to as the cow-ordinator.
What do you see? [Nothing]. That’s my life without you.
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
What do you call a large pile of cats? A meowntain!
Even the Chocolate factory doesn't make candy as sweet as you.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Isabell.
Isabell who?
Is a bell working?
I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
I’m bacon you! Please stop with the meat puns!
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
KID :"DAD, make me a sandwich."
DAD :"Poof, you're now a sandwich."
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
Lets unzip our genes and see if we can share codes together.
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
Where's the weak spot on a Scottish goalie? The fief hole.
What do you call donating a chair?
Charity!
If a star fell for every time I thought of you, the sky would be empty.
Top 25 Funniest Duck Names:
1. James Pond
2. Quack Sparrow
3. Duck Norris
4 Quacks-a-Lot
5 Quackhead
6 Quacko
7. Quackers
8. Nutquacker
9. Quacker Jack
10. Quack Efron
11. Quack Black
12. Moby Duck
13. Quackula
14. Sir Duckington
15. Eggbert
16. Quackers
17. Duckleberry Finn
18. Quacker Jack
19. Lucky Duck
20. Cheese and quackers
21. Quaker Jack
22. Duckingham Palace
23.Waddles
24. Quackie Chan
25 Firequacker
I think I found my perfect match
Sorry to interrupt with a bad pick up line, but if you were a vegetable, you'd be a cute-cumber.
What clothes do rainbows wear? Thunderpants.
"You might not carrot all, but you're irresistible."
What’s the best way to make a bull sweat?
Put him in a tight jumper.
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.
There was a terrible fire at the shoe factory today...
Over a million soles were lost.
Your beauty warms and lights up these frozen surroundings.
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
I would ask for Netflix and Chill, but you look like you are into more interactive stories.
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!
Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.
What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
“I hope I didn’t quack any.”
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
Let’s make like a banana and split.
What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.
My friends have been calling me a loon, because I'm crazy about you.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
What would bears be without bees?
Ears.
You're so cute I could bottle you up in a mason jar.
I know a fun activity that can burn 500 calories an hour...