“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
I think you're barbe-cute.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.
What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
I could go on and on about Salming but I don't want to Borje.
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
You must be a library book because I can’t stop checking you out.
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
Local weather reports state there won't be any rain for 1 year, but I drought it.
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark you still seem to shine.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
Its not the length of the vector that counts, its how you apply the force.
My personal trainer said I have to come over and talk to you for five minutes as part of my routine.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
Why was the computer coughing?
It had a virus.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than se*?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
Should a gun company rename themselves "Question"?
That's a loaded Question
What’s your sign? Mine is stop.
Girl give me a chance and I will show you a world of our own where spell of love began and our hearts become one
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
Why don’t kangaroos make good sailors?
Because they’re always jumping ship.
My pet raven, Poe, started coughing... thought it was Corvid-19, but then the bird flu away. Think I will see him nevermore.
Allow me to synapse with you, and we shall store the most wonderful of memories.
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing tennis?
Juan on Juan!
“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
Why did God create Yogi bear?
Because on his first try he made a Boo-Boo.
Hypochondriacs aren't OK
What do you call it when you get mugged on the vernal equinox?
The first robbin’ of spring!
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
(Staring at boxes of cereal) I treat all boxes with respect.
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and leave, it could spell disaster.
If I get hooked on you, will you hook up with me?
What type of blood does a keyboard have?
Typo.
Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
Conductor on a train: “But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a child’s ticket! You’re at least 19 years old!”
Me: "That's how long your delay was."
Why did the dinosaur cross the road ? The chicken hadn't evolved yet!
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.