Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
My bowing arm is pretty sore… Because you just made my tremolo.
Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.
What did the llama say to the grass?
“Nice gnawing you!”
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say, "I'm not really this tall, I'm sitting on my wallet."
If Satan ever lost his hair...
There would be hell toupee.
My wife asked: "What's our WiFi?"
I said: It's an internet connection that works wirelessly through something called a modem. Why?"
She hasn't spoken to me all week.
How much does a corn flake weigh?
1 Kelloggram.
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
My computer is so slow it's running in the '90s.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
These decorations are tree-mendous.
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
Your name must be Candy- cuz you look so sweet.
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
Kindly kittens knitting mittens keep kazooing in the king’s kitchen.
When does a bat go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
It was the pie piper who had led the strawberries to the bakery.
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
What dinosaur knows a lot of synonyms? A thesaurus.
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
Call me a winner because it looks like I’ve won the Sophie
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
Aside from being single, what do you do for a living?
Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.
I know you love playing soccer, wanna play a soccer lover?
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.
What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike
Who is a beaver's most favorite pop singer ever? Justin Beaver.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them
Sorry, But You Owe Me A Drink. Well, When I Saw You, I Dropped Mine.
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
He’s an elf-made man.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
What happened when a bat misbehaved in night school?
She got suspended.
Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list