I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
Q: Why does a hurricane wear a monocle?
A: It has only had one eye!
Aloha is a soft laugh.
I'm Claus-trophobic.
When I see you I get a Dirty, Dirty Feeling so Don't Be Cruel and be my Earth Angel
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
It's really easy to learn white water kayaking
You just go with the flow.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)
What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!
What did the deer say to his funny friend? You’re deer-larious!
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
Where do cats go when they lose their tail? A re-tail store!
You are hot to the core, aren’t you?
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
Has a guy ever walked up to you just to tell you how beautiful you are?
They must have been much drunker than I am.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."
Don't get too close to a vampire, they have a serious case of bat breath.
Did you hear the was a fire at a used furniture store and two people died next door?
It was due the second hand smoke
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
My life is so sad and lonley (why) because you're not in it.
What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.
Icy what you did there.
Why did the elephant ask to borrow a suitcase?
Because he only had a little trunk.
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
What is a dog’s favorite coordinates?
K9.
This zombie kept cutting the line so I gave her a piece of my mind.
She said it was yummy.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
Q. What do you call gorillaS who just monkey around at the gym?
A. Buff-oons
Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.
If you were a laser, you’d be set on “stunning.”
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
I bring my knees to my head and lean forwards.
That's just how I roll.
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.