“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber?
Can I get your phone number?
Are you a brand new racing suit? Because you make me forget how to breathe.
What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password?
A battering R.A.M.
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
Why do worms have trouble getting up in the morning? Because the early bird catches the worm.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.
My name? It's Bond. Covalent Bond.
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
Why was the book of incantations useless?
Because the author failed to do a spell-check.
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
What’s the difference between a dog and a gator?
A dog’s bark is worse than its bite.
How does an ice cream cone congratulate you on the anniversary of your birth?
It’s sherbert day!
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
Hear about the saxophone player who switched from a tenor to a soprano saxophone in the middle of the concert?
The press made quite a big deal out of his sax change.
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Butch.
Butch who?
Butch your arms around me and give me a hug.
What do ghosts use to keep their hair in place? Scare-spray!
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
Visitors are Doolin over these gorgeous views.
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Both tournament directors published the schedule at the same time. It was a draw.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
The doctor told me I probably won’t be able to walk again after getting into an accident with a newspaper delivery truck.
I was crushed by the news.
Babe, all the trail leads straight to you.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
Nice asteroids.
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes?
To make them light and fluffy.
What is smarter than a talking cat? A spelling bee.
How can you tell you’re in a pig wine bar? Because everything’s swine.
How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch?
Tea, Rex?
I have a question for people who take the bus...
Are you supposed to give it back?
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!