Being vegetarian was a huge missed-steak.
What type of pool do mechanics like best?
The car pool!
I want to stick to you like glucose.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
I love you berry much.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide.
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
What did the water in the fire truck say when it came to a sudden stop?
I'm baffled.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
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How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
How do you make a milkshake? Give a cow a pogo stick.
What four letters will frighten a burglar? O I C U Where does bad light go? To prism!
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.
How do bats tell their future? They read their horrorscope.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
Tesla just announced they’ll be including a bottle of their new cologne now with every car sold
It’s called Elon’s Musk
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.
The storm suppose to knock out the power, but your eyes have all the electricity I need.
I yam always very happy to eat sweet potatoes.
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
I ain’t a personal trainer, but I can host a one-on-one workout !
We could do some cardio at your place
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
I just can't see them taking off.
I think I found my perfect match
Dealers Will Hear Car Talk At Noon
Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
My game is just like Alexander Keith's: "Those who like it, like it a lot."
If you live in an igloo made of snow, what’s the worst thing about global warming?
No privacy!
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
Why did the otter cross the river?
To get to the otter side
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
Q: What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
My fire tonight...
Was lit!