Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amanda
Amanda who?
A man da fix your sink!
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.
How did the frog feel when he hurt his leg?
Unhoppy
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.
Baby, I didn't buy any fireworks this year, because you're the only one who lights up my sky.
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.
A detective recently came into town to visit the new sushi restaurant
He heard there was a fishy business.
Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
If you were to be as rich as your number, how much are you worth?
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I got the Benz.
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.
I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
I'll be kicking myself if I don't get to know you better.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
How long does it take to brew Chinese tea? Oolong time.
Do you have any raisins?
No? How about a date?
“I gotta warn ya, every man I’ve ever gone out with has been ruined.”
“Well, that’s what they get for messing with my girl.”
- Bugsy (1991)
What do you call a crocodile that keeps breaking the law?
A crookadile.
My father loves eating reams of soup. That is the reason why I think he should be nominated to the Soup – ream – court!
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw?
Because they don’t know how to cook it.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.
What do you call a bat with the flu?
An airborne disease.
What do you call a Triceratops who scores his first goal? Dino- score!