Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Do you have Spotify? You better have premium so we could get some uninterrupted action.
What does Santa often say to Mrs Claus? Come and look at the rain-dear.
Which fruity singer was a judge on 'The X Factor'? Cherry Cole.
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.
What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.
Which car does the Mensa student drive?
A Smart car.
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
In my own version of the periodic table of elements, the number one element is U.
How do ghosts wash their hair? Sham-boo.
Which author is anxious to write the book: Colorado Rockies, World Series Champs?
Ben Whayten.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.
Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!
(Kristin Frederick)
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
It’s really easy to send a nice card to a flamingo. You just write “Hope you have a flamingood…”
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
Take off all your cloves.
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
What is a fairy’s favorite drink?
Sprite.
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
I’ve been getting blitzed all game
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
You must put a lot of spices in your food because you look smoking hot.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Are you the British museum?
‘Cuz you stole my (he)art
"Whale, what do we have here?" said the mermaid.
Side effects may include infatuation, racing heart, and lowered inhibitions.
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
So how many cats do you have?
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
Are we going to do some gravity experiments? Okay, let’s test how fast I would free fall for you.
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas? Twerk-ey!
What do you call James Bond with no beard ?
Agent Zero Zero Shaven.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
Why do dogs hate computers?
They can’t stick their heads out of those Windows.
Hi, I'm a zombie, can I eat you?
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.