Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
Why did the guy decide not to donate a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon?
Because they just take the money and run.
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
Do you find bone puns humerus?
How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.
I heard they sent a beer into space, destined to leave the solar system. They called it Interstella Artois.
“I am hungary.”
“Maybe you should czech the fridge.”
“I’m russian to the kitchen.”
“Is there any turkey?”
“We have some, but it’s covered in greece”
“ew, there’s norway I’d eat that!”
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
If you need to share out your to-do list, just be a dele-gator.
Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
We can share my yoga mat so we can become one.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
My two cats had a fight today.
They soon hissed and made up though.
Why did the duck detective get the key to the city?
Because he quacked the case.
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
What is it called when a dinosaur hits a homerun?
A Dino-Score.
When the ghost watched a sad movie he started boo-hooing.
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
You must be a summoner, cause I can feel a powerful creature rising... in my pants!
You can take me home tonight, but only if Yuletide-y up your place.
Do you like hot foods
If so, you definitely are what you eat.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done?
He wouldn’t stop puttering around.
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Water.
Water who?
Water your plans for the weekend, Mr Beaver?
How do bears keep their houses cool in summer?
Bear conditioning.
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to open the door.
What do frogs do when they ski?
They rip it.
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
You must be Australian because you've turned my life upside-down.
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What did one angry werewolf say to the other?
- I have a bone to pick with you!
After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.
Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!
- Sarah Ziman
What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!
Are you an alien because you abducted my heart long ago.
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.
My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”