Why did the bat fire a chauffeur?
He drove everyone batty.
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
You don’t like my winter pun? How cold!
Are you British?
Cuz you just colonised my heart.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
30 Year Friendship Ends At Alter
Q. Which kind of deer has a serious drinking problem?
A. The elk-oholic.
Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
Did you hear about the keyboard that lost it's Period Key?
He was missing the point.
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
What did the conifer say when he finally got alone with his crush? It’s just yew and me, baby.
Hey I love your shoes, they would look even better if they were running alongside me.
What’s a deer’s go-to ice cream flavor?
Cookie-doe.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
What did the baby chicken say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?
Dad, look what marma-laid!
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
When I look into the future, I see you giving me your number.
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
You have goat to be kidding me.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
When I think about books, I touch my shelf.
Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
What do ghosts and monsters drink after scaring people?
Ghoul-Aid.
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
What goes up and down but doesn't move? The temperature!
If a crab worked in a pizza parlor, which station would it work?
The crust station.
The way you wear that sarong, it should be called a saright.