Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.
Your profile pic is so cute. The human isn't too bad looking either.
What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?
A Guackie-talkie
You're so sweet, your giving me cavaties.
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
Are you an orphanage? Cause I wanna give you kids.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
Til death do us part and then some, dear.
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
You’re brew-tiful!
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
My love for you is like this hike. It goes on and on.
How do blind folks buy homes in hot markets?
Sight unseen.
Hey girl, I won't be able to see you for the next few weeks.
I'm giving up sweet things for Lent.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
You octopi my thoughts.
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It's dread-full.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
I sued the airport authorities because they misplaced my belongings
I lost the case
What do you call a computer that plays tennis?
A server
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Husband material.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
How about a kanga-root?
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
Looks like I’ve Joshu-won the best match of the day
If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
Why can’t I ever win a game returning serve? Give me a break.
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.
Are you a mosquito? ‘Cause I’m a sucker for you.
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein