When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.

Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.

What is the collective noun for Ghosts? Team spirit.

When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".

Some types of meat like to play around a lot. These are generally the game types.

“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”

What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.

Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"

Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.

I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful
In fact, it was gourdjuice.

What has 80 teeth and 2 eyes ?
A crocodile.

Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.

What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams

What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet

"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard

I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?

A stick.

Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.

- Kim Merryman

Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.

If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.

You must be a Candy bar because you appease me.

My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on

I've been thinking about you owl night long...

Woah, that attractive field of yours is pulling me in! By any chance, are you a Van de Graaff generator?

I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.

France is beautiful in every Cezanne.

What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.

It ain’t over till it’s clover.

Not even Fahrenheit, Celsius, or Kelvin can measure how hot you are!

“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart

Do you find bone puns humerus?

A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered

Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.

I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer

How do you make a rabbit float? Put soda, syrup, and milk into a glass. Add one rabbit.

Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.

I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.

Pig always have ink all over their faces because they live in a pen.

Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.

What type of elements know everybody on earth?
Met-all.

I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."

Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.

Why do computers make such bad boxers?
Their bark is worse than their byte.

What do you call a dollar bill frozen in ice?
Cold, hard cash!

What does a Saudi bee call its bros?
Habibees.

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!