What happens when a Mexican gets to the worm? He passes out.

Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.

Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was trying to fetch a boomerang

What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J

This vacation has been sand-sational!

Everyone needs to eat bread because loaf is what makes the world go round. Loaf truly is.

Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!

Ever heard of French Donuts?
They’re the Beigne of my existence.

A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.

Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.

"God. I KNEW this would happen!"

An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.

What does a flower say when they’re surprised?
What in carnation!

One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.

What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator

What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!

I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.

“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”

- Jim Gaffigan.

When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.

I once tried crossing a flamingo with a cement mixer. Sounds crazy, but I really wanted a good brick layer.

What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.

Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!

What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!

What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.

"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld

What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called? Ptera Don

Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.

Come witch me to the party.

There was an exotic pet race to take place.

Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"

The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:

"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."

"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown

What do bats say to vampires?
“You suck!”

It took God seven days to make the world but it'll only take seven digits for you to change mine.

What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.

What do you say when the beach asks you to walk on it?
Shore

Do you prefer organic or local? Because I’m both.

What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.

Why did the telecommuter lose his job? He had to many hang ups.

What’s a potato’s least favorite dance? The Mash Potato.

What do you call an old dog?
Grandpaw.

Check your shelf before you wreck your shelf.

Are you my appendix?
Because I don't know anything about you but this feeling in my gut is telling me that I should take you out.

What type of pants do rain clouds wear? Thunderwear.

What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”

Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.

Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep. The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south. These sheep shouldn’t sleep in a shack; sheep should sleep in a shed.

What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?
“You gouda brie kidding!”

Why can you never trust an artist? Because they are a bit sketchy, a little shady and will always try to frame you.

What do you call a skeleton who hangs out in coffee shops and listens to indie music?
A hip-ster.

A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.

The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.

What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.