I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
"You know, it's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen foods section—because you could melt all this stuff."
- Steve Martin, My Blue Heaven (1990)
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
I met a gnome once, our conversation was very awkward...
I’m not very good at small talk.
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
Can I have your number so I can call you anytime I miss you?
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
What do you get when you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.
Are those Guess jeans? Because guess who wants to get into them.
What does Bigfoot say when he sees campers in sleeping bags?
- Yum, Hot Pockets!
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
The lager you wait, the better it tastes.
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
My text tone is adorable! Message me, so you can hear it.
I would like to end this sentence with a proposition.
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
Did my Spotify playlist glitch? Because you are the only song I hear.
What part of the military do zombies serve in?
The marine corpse.
Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.
What's a frog's favorite candy?
Lollihops.
What does a snail wear to go dancing?? Escargogo boots.
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
Which Pokémon has Covid?
Pik-achoo.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
The expiration date says "best if used by tonight." Can I make you dinner?
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
Hey, wanna be Jere-MY-ah?
Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
A spider saw a car he liked at the dealership and decided to take it out for a spin.
Shamrocks and shenanigans for all!
Hey, can I borrow your water filter? Cause you’ve got me thinking impure thoughts.
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
What kind of fish will help you hear?
A herring aid!
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
Babe, your beauty makes the morning sun look like the dull glimmer of the moon.
What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur
Tyrannosourest Rex.
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.