I Got to Get You Into My Life
Books are my kind of texts.
Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?
Because it has rust issues!
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
What do you call a small fish magician? A magic carpet
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
We should get some coffee because I'm liking you a latte.
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
Are you a bike? Because I wanna ride you until I get tired.
What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
Mum, you are my soup-er star.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
Let's procreate like the snakes in the Narcisse Dens.
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".
What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.
How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
We all know that rooms are just empty spaces, and no one can even dream of making a delicacy out of them. The only room is the mushroom.
Baseball Fan: Have you ever seen a line drive?
Blond Baseball Fan: No, but I have seen a baseball park.
How do you get down off a horse?
You don’t, you get down off a duck.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
As long as your dog sticks by your side.
Anything is paw-sible.
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
When is it raining money? Whenever there's 'change' in the weather.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gladys
Gladys who?
Gladys Friday, finally the weekend starts!
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
What vehicle does a grammar teacher drive?
A Syllabus.
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
Do you believe in love at first flight?
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
I have a heart-on for you.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
My friend exports the lilikoi fruit...
He says it’s his passion.
Hide in the kitchen, hide in the hall. I will catch you.
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
I'm at my best during overtime.
I was wondering if you like science because I have had my ion you for some time.
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.