I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
"What an egg-citing day."
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
Because they are always butting in.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.
The great Greek grape growers grow great Greek grapes.
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
Q. What is a mime's favorite time of the day?
A. Dusk, because all the colors are muted.
Where did the independent cat decide to live? In Catalonia!
Remember to stop and smell the rosé.
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff,
Ba-dum-tss
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Well, I have to say I am William-pressed with you
A zoo owner introduced his tiger to the visitors by saying "this is the most paw-some tiger at the zoo".
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
Heisenberg was wrong. I'm certain about what you're doing tonight.
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
Is your name Faith?
Because you're the substance of things I've hoped for.
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
What's a fetus's favorite craft?
Embryoidery.
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
How many rabbits does it take to change a light bulb? Only one if it hops right to it.
How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.
"Trouble"
Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.
– David Keppel
Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike!
Wanna go explore some celestial bodies together?
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
How could you tell the horse was getting old?
It was wither-ing away.
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy.
I said don’t be Sicily.