How does Big Foot find his way through the deepest darkest forests?
He just follows the big footpath!
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
What’s a racehorse’s favorite clothing brand? Jockey.
Have you seen any linking verbs around here? Because you are my complement and I want to connect.
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iona.
Iona who?
Iona new car!
What do you call a cemetery for bears?
Bearial grounds.
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
Why did the troll kiss the witch?
To keep her busy in love!
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree at me. It was a hambush.
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
Why can a leopard never hide for long? It’s always spotted
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet? A UF-hoe.
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
What's a frog's favorite game?
Hop-scotch (or leapfrog).
Susie works in a shoeshine shop. Where she shines she sits, and where she sits she shines.
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
Are you Spotify? Cause I can listen to you all day.
What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?
Cheese sticks.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
I went fishing in the ocean the other day and caught one fish
but I think it was just a fluke.
What is the king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Hail, of course!
Maybe you need a little Vitamin ME in your life.
What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, “I discovered a large body of water on my journey.”
She said, “Could you be a little more pacific?”
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.
I was surprised that although I was supposed to be feeling blue, my heart was not that heavy. Perhaps, I am feeling light blue.