What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
While the blues musician performed his most famous song, balloons of every color were released in the arena. Guess we may get to call it the 'House of Hues'.
What do you call a dead flamingo?
A flaminghost.
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
Where do vampire bats go to take out a loan?
To the blood bank.
Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
What do you name a synthetic parrot?
PollyEster
Why do poets always write about the sea?
They just can’t fathom her depths.
Q: What kind of decisions do peaches make?
A: Fruitful ones.
Are you a barista? I like you a latte
What do you call it when a pig loses its memory? Hamnesia.
What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
A meteorologist
"No wine left behind."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
I’ve learned that milk promotes beauty. But how much have you been drinking so far?
I went to the butcher's the other day and asked them, how do you prepare your turkey for Thanksgiving?
They said that they just tell them straight out that you're gonna die.
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
What do we call a scientist who specializes in pineapples? He might be called a pineappleologist!
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
"You crack me up."
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
Robviously, I couldn’t help but ask you out
I saw a movie about a pig with no eyes.
It was PG.
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
What is the brain's favorite television channel?
The Neural Network.
What makes more noise than a dinosaur ? Two dinosaurs!
What should someone do if they are stuck between a jaguar and a tiger? Simple, just take the Jaguar and drive away from the tiger.
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
Are we going to do some gravity experiments? Okay, let’s test how fast I would free fall for you.
How do sheep greet each other during the holidays? Fleece Navidad!
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
What can you serve and never eat? A volleyball!
The frequency of bad physics puns on this category...
It hertz.
What do we get when we mix an iPhone and a Christmas tree? A pine – apple!
What’s a vampire’s favorite type of dog?
A blood hound.
Winter is un-brr-lieveable!
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.