If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
What does Earth get on Earth day ?
A birthday quake !
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
Vogue just called; they want to put you on the cover.
Are you being a ghost for Halloween, or are you just my boo?
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
The garden where only white cars are driven can be called a garden of white carnation.
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
What do you call it when you get a month’s worth of rain at once?
England.
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
Flute players provide some cheap trills.
Why did the cherry blossom tree seem scared when it was trying to make a cherry pie? Because it was baking like a leaf.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
To go with the floe!
What’s a horse’s favorite dinosaur?
The broncosaurus.
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
Q: How did the tiger perform during the show?
A: He was a roaring success.
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger!
What painting is terrible at ever being happy? The Moaning Lisa.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
My love for you is like the universe… never-ending!
What is the shortest month of the year?
M-A-Y.
Why can’t people hear your scream in the space? Because it’s miles away.
Easter is grammatically incorrect.
We should say more east.
What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? Bronto-swore-us.
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
What sound does a llama’s doorbell make?
Llama llama ding dong.
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
Your ass is so nice, it's a shame you have to sit on it.
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
Strawberries have berry good eyesight because they are packed with a lot of Vitamin See.
What do donuts wear to weddings? Tuxe-doughs!
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
Why do pandas love watching classic movies?
Because they are in black and white.
What did the cow say to his friend when they met twice in the same day? “What a cow-incidence!”
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
I think we're mint to be!
What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.
Having a ball
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
But I don't care
Cause I'm leaving you.
I have written a book on Penguins.
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.