The painter loved to paint because he was drawn to art.

How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.

Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!

How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas.

You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.

What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.

Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.

The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!

Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.

As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.

So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.

But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!

- Denise Rodgers

When you cross a sheep and a wolf, you will end up with a new sheep, you can’t make such a costly mistake with wolves.

Red wasn't feeling very well for the past few weeks. He has been diagnosed with scarlet fever.

I hear you're looking for a stud. Well, I've got the STD and all I need is you.

Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.

Your skin is smoother than the finest panna cotta.

What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
Magma

This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."

What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.

Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.

What's the meanest thing ever?
When you ask a gnome, “What will you be when you grow up?”

Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the ONe.

In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.

“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock

How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!

In Mexico, truck drivers always keep a wheel of cheese in their cabs. Apparently this is in queso emergencies.

I got fired from my job as a train operator and my job as a lightning rod.
I guess I'm just a bad conductor.

I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.

Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!

Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.

I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.

“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx

What did the Little Mermaid say to Triton before she left?
- If you need me, call me on my shell.

“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”

Sorry for not saying 'Bless You', it already seems that you are.

You: It's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen food section. Because you could melt all this stuff.

Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.

Why did the worm cross the ruler?
To become an inchworm

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

Car Salesman: And if you don't like this color, we have another one in "Boulder Gray"
Me: Gray isn't very bold to begin with, how did you make it bolder?

It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.

“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.

"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."

- John Steinbeck.

“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran

I have pea soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s why I pea soup all night!

Why was the koala scientist so well-respected by his peers? He was known for conducting excellent koalatative research.

What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!

What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!

Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.

When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!

Hey babe, are you the Mcdonald's Ice Cream Machine, because you just aren't working for me anymore.

"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley

Why did the golfer need new socks?
Because there was a hole in one.

My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.