"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
Why is the mushroom always invited to parties? Because he's a fun-gi.
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew off the shelves.
Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.
I always have a ball with you.
Initially, the passenger couldn't find where his next flight was, but fortunately, he made the connection in time.
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
I would flirt with you, but I'd rather seduce you with my awkwardness From a distance.
You must be Australian because you've turned my life upside-down.
That look soots you.
What it is it called if you refuse to go running today?
Resistance Training!
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
Why did the mouse stay inside? Because it was raining cats and dogs.
Wanna exchange genetic information with me?
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
What’s a rabbit’s favorite game? Hopscotch!
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
What kind of jewelry do witches wear?
Charm bracelets.
Why should you not play volleyball in court? Because you could get arrested.
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap?
It was always on shale.
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant.
What is the definition of a slug? A snail with a housing problem!
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Arfur.
Arfur who?
Arfur got!
I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.
He said "nah, I’m not really Inuit."
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
I once had my identity stolen by a cement truck driver. It took me ages to track him down, but now I have concrete evidence.
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
Why did they stop giving the horse grass?
They wanted it to be less green.
Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
How did the archeologists know the skeletons were real?
They were bone-afide.
Why are Catholics the best runners during the Easter season?
They fast during Lent!