Do you want to Australian Kiss?
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
I hope you're good at catching cause I'm starting to fall for you.
Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.
(Ogden Nash)
Hey girl, are you a defibrillator? Cause you’re sending shocks straight to my heart.
If you're Russian when you go to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you come out of it, what are you when you're inside?
European!
You make me more excited than gifts under a Christmas tree.
During holidays, soccer referees send their families yellow cards.
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
I had a job directing an elementary school theater production.
It wasn't hard work, after all, it was child's play.
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
What do runners do when they forget something?
They jog their memory!
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
What do you call a Minotaur in a playground?
A swing and a myth.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!
I like the way you espresso yourself.
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
Who would stoop so low?
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
My dad told me he’s not gonna eat my deviled eggs this thanksgiving.
He told me they’re possessed.
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don’t eat with your mouth full!
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”