When I first saw you I looked for a signature, because every masterpiece has one.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"
Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.
Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!
Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!
I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!
– Kelly Roper
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
Which candy do astronauts like? Marsbar.
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
Why should you make a cherry pie for someone that you miss? Because absence bakes the heart grow fonder.
Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.
How do fleas get from place to place?
By itch-hiking.
Do you want to share some valence electrons? This way, we can have a stable relationship.
It is not uncommon for elephants to start a stampede. Especially if they want to play for the Chargers.
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
You must be known for you defense cause you definitely stole my heart.
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
My roommates insist that our house is haunted
I’ve lived here for 274 years and never once met a ghost.
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?
Oedipal Arrangements.
Are you aware we are headed to the kissing gate?
What did the beaver say to the river? Meet me around the bend.
My love for you is like dividing by zero… It can’t be defined!
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
If I can't score, can I at least get an assist?
What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?
I'm Gladiator.
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.
If you were a math test, I would cheat on you.
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
Are you a needle? Because you are sew special to me.
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
Why does your laptop have a blanket on it?
It's on sleep mode.
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer
Now he can processor.
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
Why couldn’t the cat finish watching her movie? Because she had it on paws!
Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan