“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
Are you a werewolf? 'Cause I'm lycan what I see.
Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In Ten Years
"I'm an Easter eggs-pert."
"Roses are red, Violets are blue. Garbage is dumped, now so are you."
Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
Where do fish save their money?
In the river bank.
My boss has just fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
Oh well!! That's the end of my Korea.
What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
What do you call a wasp who is having a bad hair day?
A frizz-bee
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
Woke up with sweats afraid I'd contracted the corona virus...
Changed into jeans and was all good.
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
I’m establishing my punning game early today.
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
What do hydras fear the most?
Dehydration!
What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.
oses are red, violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter, and so are you.
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.
Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
What do sloths throw in winter? Slowballs.
The FBI are raiding an alleged spy's apartment when they discover a hard drive labeled "KGB".
One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, "Why wouldn't he just write 1 TB?"
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
Why had the beaver left the pond? He thought it was too shallow.
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.