What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
Knock Knock
Who’s there Justin Justin who? Justin time to make the donuts!
What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant? Very big worm holes in your garden.
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
Hey baby, let me take you on a trip around the world.
What do you call a titan that can't swim?
Titanic.
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack
You be the battery, I’ll be the aluminum foil and together we’ll light up the world.
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
You should give me your number..who knows, I Michael you later…
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?
Tentacles
What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
I was going to read Proverbs 31, but then I realized I could just study you instead.
You can't ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They're way too busy looking for their necks victim.
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
How much does a corn flake weigh?
1 Kelloggram.
Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?
Someone always cuts the cheese.
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Cycle with me? I feel like I’m on a whole other gear when I’m with you!
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!
Are you a model?
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
How do Penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.
I had an art contest with my friend.
It ended in a draw.
It’s lonely between Germany and Spain
Not many France, nobody’s Nice to me, everyone seems to be Lyon. It’s just Eiffel.
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
When does soil get rich?
When mother nature makes it rain.
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.
What is Dr. Frankenstein’s favorite part of a company?
Human resources.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!