Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii.
What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
Hey girl, are you Morphine? 'Cause, you take my pain away.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
Until I saw you, I didn't believe I'd ever see an arctic fox.
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
I was trying to come up with a witty pun but my brain was like Han,nah
I taught a dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.
We went from Barking to Tooting in 20 minutes!
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
The boot black brought the black boot back.
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
Are you the future? Because you're looking hopeless and bleak.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
Why did the zombie eat a light bulb?
Because he wanted a light snack.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
I know I’m not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but one glance at you and I’m already interested.
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
My heart rate’s always higher when I hike with you.
You must be from the cosmos because your body is heavenly.
What is batman’s favorite food (ans Just-ice)
Not much, just-ice.