Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
You look so good, it's like you have a permanent photoshop filter on.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.
You're so pharma-cute-ical!
I went to a new kind of show yesterday, which was hosted by a color-changing lizard. He was a good stand-up chameleon.
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
Did Cyclops the X-man play hockey? Yes, he enjoyed lasing up the skates.
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
Why did the deer cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
What happened when a clumsy sommelier tried to decant a bottle of fine wine?
Things went pour-ably wrong.
I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.
What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?
Brrrr – itos.
The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.
Read a story about two people who stole cars driving into each other.
Must have been Bonnie and Collide
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Can I take your temperature? You’re looking hot today.
Why are we only concerned about snowmen not snowwomen?
Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
Wow, you’re gorgeous. I’m definitely in Awe-stin of you.
I can love you more than a cowboy loves a fat calf.
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”
You’re like a pair of goggles; without you, everything’s a blur.
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
What was the seal's favorite subject in school?
ART ART ART!
You are the Renaissance to my Dark Ages, you light up my world.
Why did the bunny bang his head on the piano? He was playing by ear!
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
So I asked Satan if he had any milk I could drink...
He told me "No whey in Hell!"
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
Egg-Plant a kiss on me.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.