What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
Hey baby are you a boxer? You should try it, because your one hell of a knock out!
What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!
What is an astronauts favourite type of shirt?
Apollo
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
When the mama peach found out that his child had failed his class, she was s-peach-less.
Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish?
A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.
Why is the letter B so cold? Because it’s between the AC.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
What did the horse say to his friend that didn’t come party last night?
You didn’t turnout.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
You’ve really Penelopeaked my interest
What do you call a month’s worth of rain?
England.
Why did the bunny bang his head on the piano? He was playing by ear!
A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
On Halloween night I will strut
Dressed like Jabba the Hut
Many sweets I will eat
As it is trick or treat
And double the size of my butt
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?
How dairy.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
For a fatty, you don't seem to sweat much.
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
Adam? More like ahh-damn.
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
What’s a shark’s favorite movie?
The Shaw-shark Redemption.
What does a deer say when it prays to the god?
“Deer God!”
It's hunting season and fox like you shouldn't be out in the open!
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
I read dead people.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.
There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.
Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.
Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day with a frisbee in your mouth.
Did you invent the airplane? ‘Cause, you seem Wright to me.
A guy walks into the bar.
It's hardly surprising he didn't make the steeplechase team, on reflection.
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.
Classic rook-y mistake.
How do ghosts take their eggs? Terri-fried.
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
How is ice cream as a girlfriend?
The sweetest.