What do you call a small scoop of ice-cream? A uni-cone.
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
How do you write a book about Bats? With a ghostwriter.
What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!
Baby are you an angel? Because I'm a atheist.
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!
Why would a horse make a good president?
They know how to lead.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs bunny
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
-
"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Why did the lion cross the road? Because he saw a zebra-crossing...
Why is the ocean so salty?
Because the land never waves back.
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
Where can you read about planets exploding?
In the orbituaries.
Kiss me! Let me taste your sweet lips before the asteroid destroys earth
Turtles keep on winning battles because they are perfect at shelling their enemies.
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
What type of room do you eat? A mush room.
What is the most affordable type of meat that we would purchase?
“Dear balls because they are always under a buck.”
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
You had me at taco.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships!
I beat the raining champion.
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
What do cell phones order at dinner?
Apps.
I'm a fairy.
My name's Nuff. Fair enough.
How can you tell if you are in love?
If they stole a pizza your heart.
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
How did the frog feel when he hurt his leg?
Unhoppy
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet