"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law

They consider a million years ago to be Recent.

What do you call a criminal vampire?
A fangster.

I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.

I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.

There was a terrible fire at the shoe factory today...
Over a million soles were lost.

When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?

What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!

“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author

She acts like summer and walks like rain.

It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."

Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.

Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!

Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.

What do a witch and a candle have in common?
They're both wicked.

How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.

Excuse me, is it you or my coffee that’s getting my heart rate up?

There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'

You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.

What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.

The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.

Why can’t minerals ever lie?
They’re always in their pure form.

What has 80 teeth and 2 eyes ?
A crocodile.

What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!

Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!

What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu

What fruit do vampire bats like the best?
Neck-tarines.

People keep asking me why I’m working for Dr. Frankenstein.
I’m just trying to make a living.

Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.

“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell

What do cell phones order at dinner?
Apps.

How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.

Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!

Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.

What do cars have on toast.

Butter and traffic jam.

Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.

What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.

How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.

I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.

“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier

Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.

I’m invisible. [Really?] Can you see me? [Yes]. How about tomorrow night?

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen

My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins.
Oh, gourd, was it awful.

Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!

Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.

How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.

Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.

Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!