What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
Volcanoes are rude! They are always int-erupt-ing.
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
Flamingos are great at social events; they flamingle really well.
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
What’s the best time for Frankenstein to go to a party?
Fright now.
If you have a line of 100 rabbits in a row and 99 of them take 1 step backwards, what do you have? A receding hare line.
Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.
What happens when a closet goes into fighting?
It turns into a wardrobe.
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.
Q. Why can't computers play tennis?
A. They try to surf the net.
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
A car company tried to make a submarine, but it kept surfacing too quickley
The crew got the Mercedes-Bends
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
He wanted to get to the other slide.
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?
Because it's assault.
There is a rule that cats can shed hair on anything in the house… It is called fur-niture for a reason!
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleboss.
Why was the farmer angry?
Because someone got his goat.
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
What does the queen bee of every hive tell their workers to do?
She tells them to bee productive.
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.
When they want to relax, ghosts have a boo-ble bath.
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
If I walked a milimeter for everytime I thought of you, I would have walked across the Earth a million times.
What did the marathoner do after he won the race?
He decided to go into politics and run for office.
What sound does it make when an ogre eats a witch for breakfast?
Snap cackle n' pop
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.