Why do owls always by mystery novels?
They love hoo-dunits.
Why are alligator comedians so funny?
Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.
A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.
When this planet is invaded by the aliens, I’d still hold your hand.
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now, let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
Why does Bruce Wayne have such fabulous hair?
He uses conditioner Gordon.
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
I don't normally put all my eggs in one basket, but I wanna be your number one bunny, honey.
What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
My personal trainer said I have to come over and talk to you for five minutes as part of my routine.
I'm worried that the milk I got this morning was from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly like the milk I had yesterday.
There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.
And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.
But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.
Why do flamingos fly south in winter? Because it would be too far to walk.
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
"I'll be right back, I need to go for a pea," said the fruit during the interval.
Santa's Short Suit Shrunk
I don't think there's anything hotter than chocolate but hey! There you are in front of me.
What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.
You're hot enough for both of us during winter.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
Why was the weightlifter upset?
She worked with dumbbells.
What brand of hand soap do telephone operators use? Dial.
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
I'm always really disappointed when I pull up to a yard sale...
And they aren't willing to sell me any of their yards.
What will you get if you cross a tiger and a watchdog? A terrified watchman.
What did the girl say when she got a fake call? "I think that call was phoney".
What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.