My love for you is like dividing by zero… It can’t be defined!
What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
We have a great connection since you’re wifi-material.
I’m a small Irish creature who has been diagnosed with a serious sickness. It’s Leprechronic.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
What does a hunter do with a basketball?
He shoots it.
Back in the early 2010s, the peach children loved to flock around to listen to Peach Pit.
o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.
No one likes eating outside in the winter.
It’s frost come, frost served.
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a break from delivering gifts? Santa Pause!
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.
What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
Are you the future? Because you're looking hopeless and bleak.
What did the mama elf say to her mischievous child?
“Stop elvesdropping on Santa!”
Do you like free samples?
What’s striped and goes round and round?
A tiger in a revolving door.
What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
I’ve always followed in my father’s footsteps until today.
He turned around and said, “STOP!”
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday
Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.
Apples and oranges had a conversation one day. Guess what the apples were saying the oranges, nothing stupid, apples don’t talk.
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK
Woman: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you before GLY
Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”
Are you Broca’s aphasia? Because you leave me speechless…
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
My friend learned Spanish by jotting sentences repeatedly...
He used wrote learning.
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.
His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.
As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.
For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.
- Max Scratchman
Thin grippy thick slippery.