“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
"I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees."
― Pablo Neruda, Twenty Love Poems and A Song of Despair
Dr. Phil says that I am afraid of a commitment. Do you want to prove him wrong?
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
fussy squawking
seagulls talking...
Waddle walking
pavement patter-
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
Birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
Angry fussing
birds discussing
seagull cussing
“Hey, I want some!”
birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
(Rhona McFerran)
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, oceans don't talk they just wave!
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Let's Taco about love.
I was born in the wild but for you I would be domesticated.
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
I just flew on a plane with an all female flight crew.
It was an....unmanned aircraft.
What do you call a bald spot on a cell phone salesperson?
A gap in coverage.
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”
"Rosé all day."
I've invented a machine that prints money.
I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
Let's get drinks, cuz I wanna get into the holiday ~spirit~ with you.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
Let me sell you an indulgence because it's a sin to look as good as you do.
Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
What is an unlimited phone plan? A limit cannot be charged.
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
Why does bread hate hot weather?
It just feels too toasty.
Why don’t elephants go to the beach?
Because their trunks always fall down.
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
Wow, seeing you today Ezra-lly a treat!
What do you get if you stand between two llamas?
Llamanated.
Why can't basketball players go on vacation?
They aren't allowed to travel.
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
You look like my future ex wife.