What happened when the ice monster had a furious row with Frankenstein?
He gave him the cold shoulder!
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head!
Are you an alarm clock? Because I want to kill you.
What should someone do if they are stuck between a jaguar and a tiger? Simple, just take the Jaguar and drive away from the tiger.
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
I want your flesh rocket in my hot pocket.
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
Flashier Great Tits Produce Stronger Sperm, Bird Study Shows.
I wish I were cross-eyed so I can see you twice
What do you get if you cross a gnome and a tauren?
A mini-taur.
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
My golf number may not be that good but my phone number sure is!
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
Easter is grammatically incorrect.
We should say more east.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
My girlfriend brought 50,000 bees and put them in our backyard.
She's a keeper.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
My sister asked me for some spider puns.
I told her to look them up on the web.
Elephant boxing matches are very difficult to watch. It becomes tough to identify as both have grey trunks!
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
I was at my hotel in Spain and wasn't feeling well.
Reception said they had a doctor on staff.
The doctor asked me lots of questions and I was then feeling much better.
I told reception I didn't expect a hotel would have a doctor on staff
They said it was a Spanish Inn Physician
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
Funny chemistry puns always get a good reaction.
My buddies bet me that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl on the river. Would you like to get a drink later with their money?
Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
The most useless room in a ghost's home in the living room.
Q. How do does and fawns fly from place to place?
A. In a deer-igible
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Kanga.
Kanga who?
Actually, it’s kangaroo.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
When you offered me love, I lepton it!