What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
There’s only one thing in the truck world that is bigger than a tow truck, and that’s a foot truck.
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
The skeleton ordered a cabernet wine with a full body because he didn't have one.
Have you heard about a man who became a werewolf?
He was distressed at first, but then he took a lycan to it.
Want to practice speaking in tongues with me?
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
There’s an earthquake in my heart, and you’re the epicenter.
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
Why did the T-Rex get a ticket? He ran through the stomp sign.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
Hey girl, are you related to Abraham's nephew?
Because I like you a LOT.
A good workman doesn't blame his fools
\*tools.
Stupid keyboard.
Why did the cat want to learn to fly?
She wanted to try bats.
When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
Are you a bank loan? Because you got my interest!
What do you call one day below freezing and the next day at 70 degrees?
“It’s snowing today, but water you doing tomorrow?”
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because the cows have horns.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
Are you sure you're not from South Korea? Because I'm sure you're my 'Seoul'-mate.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
Are you tinsel? Because I want you all over my tree.
I had a dream that I was a mechanic who fixed wrecked cars.
It was an auto body experience.
What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
Seas the day.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
What did the bear say when he got a joke? He just bear-ly had a chuckle!
Why should you be cautious of a Finnish submarine captain?
He’ll sink ye.
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
You can be the queen of my kingdom.
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
Hey, Are you made of candy? Because you look sooo sweet!
What is a koala’s favorite soft drink? Koka-Koala, of course!
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, I bet this chair lift weighs enough to break the ice.
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
You must be a Magnetar because I feel a strong magnetism between us.
Why is there no COVID cases in Antarctica
Because it’s so ice-o-lated
Are you a time traveler? Because I absolutely see you in my future.
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.