What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.

How does a penguin make pancakes?
With its flippers.

Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).

What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.

What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.

The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.

What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.

Cutie, you must be a red blood cell because you take the oxygen away from my lungs and send it straight to my heart.

Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!

Q. What do you call the stench that comes from antlered roadkill?
A. A foul o-deer.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.

But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

A strawberry feels most comfortable in its py-jam-as.

What did the grilled cheese say to the frying pan?
You make me melt.

What do you call an ant that moves to another country?
An emigr-ant.

Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.

What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.

You make the Queen of Sheba look like a hobo.

Nice Skates...Wanna Cross the Blue Line with Me?

Q. Which game do hunters go after first?
A. The nearest and the deerest.

What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.

I’m just wondering. Now that you’re here, who’s running heaven now?

What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Flood lights.

Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!

Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"

What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !

I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.

Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.

What do you get when you put the number 3.14 in the middle of the onions? You get o-pi-nions!

Why did Frankenstein’s monster go to a psychiatrist?
He thought he had a screw loose.

“Monday again? Is it every week now?”

How many yaks could a yak pack, pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?

Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.

Unlike the Leafs, I will never let you down.

What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.

A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.

How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.

“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman

I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.

What do you call corn with red, white and blue kernels?
Americorn.

What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!

Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.

I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran my boat into yours. So I am going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.

He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.

What did the pony say to the Jedi Knight before she left on her adventure?
“May the horse be with you.”

These decorations are tree-mendous.

What do dolphins need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea!

When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?
Pallbears.

I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.

A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.

Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.