Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Impatient cow.
Impatient cow wh-?
Mooooo!
You can't ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They're way too busy looking for their necks victim.
What goes up when rain starts to come down?
Umbrellas.
Have you ever seen a catfish? No, how did he hold the rod and reel?
What do you think holds the moon up? Moonbeams.
Did you hear about those really bad storms that hit that boy scout camp over night?
They were in tents.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?
Which venue did all the vegetables choose to open their fighting club in? An onion ring!
Where do monkeys go when they lose their tails?
To a retailer.
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
Why did Santa stop smoking a pipe?
It was bad for his elf!
It is said that crows and owls are in caw-hoots.
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
Girl, are you the Wuhan Corona Virus?
Because you’re taking my breath away.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.
What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
What did an angry donut say to his wife?
Donut talk to me.
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
Excuse me, may I have this mating dance?
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.
Where’s the best beach to buy sports gear at?
Jersey Shore.
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
Why did the Koala cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
The chocolate couple decided to rent a two bedroom sweet for their summer honeymoon.
I think it would be hot if we f**ked other people. Exclusively.
My dad died on Thanksgiving whilst eating dinner.
Fowl play was suspected.
How do pirates prefer to communicate?
Aye to aye!
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
Why did the thieves kidnap the monkey?
Because they believed in gibbon take.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
With long legs like yours, you don't need high heels.
Why could the Italian Chef not unlock his car?
He had Gnocchi.