How do beavers make a bouncy dam? Well, they use spring water.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
Can I help you carry your groceries to the car?
Is it hot in here, or is that just the Holy Spirit burning in you?
What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
"I whip my hare back and forth."
Without you, my life is as empty as the supermarket shelf.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
If you golf on election day…
Be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
Boy, are you Elvis Presley? Because lord almighty I feel my temperature rising
A guy ate only metal bars for thanksgiving
He was gratefull
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
Why don’t chickens wear pants?
Their peckers are on their face.
Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.
The cloud hailed from the sky kingdom.
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
Girl, are you Netflix?
Because I love watching 'you.'
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
My wife said the stretch marks on her legs looked like lightning bolts...
So I said, that's because you have thunder thighs.
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
What do leprechauns love to barbecue? Short ribs!
I told my boyfriend I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool’s Day?
On one you’re thankful but on the other you’re prankful.
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
Q. How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, but it has to be a really BIG light bulb.
The weather's getting colder, I really fancy some hot croc-o-late.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
I bought a boat because it was for sail.
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger!
What does a dinosaur call a porcupine? A toothbrush.
A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.