What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.
I’m so adjective, I verb noun.
What did the dog say when he sat down on sand paper?
Rough.
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
That rainbow is so neat, it must be professional gradient.
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware.
What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
Ten Tickles!
My feelings for you have grown exponentially.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
Are you an onion? Cause I want to peel your layers.
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
It's tough to tell if the sky is ever happy or not. It always looks so blue!
Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
You don't need to waste your time on that treadmill, you've been running through my mind all day.
My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
Let's play a game called TV, I turn your knobs and you watch my antennae rise.
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because you get picked up by random guys on the bus.
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
Hey girl, are you related to Abraham's nephew?
Because I like you a LOT.
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd.
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
A ship wanted to travel from the Pacific to the Arctic
But it just couldn't get its Bering Strait.
Are you an orphanage? Cause I wanna give you kids.
Why did the penguin cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
Shes a fairy realistic person.
What do you get when a raven flies into a group of 18 crows?
Corvid-19.
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
On Halloween night I will strut
Dressed like Jabba the Hut
Many sweets I will eat
As it is trick or treat
And double the size of my butt
I was gonna make a river joke, but I don't think it's current.
Where did the hamsters invade the beaver colony? Hamsterdam.
Everyone knows Albert Einstein because of his research in physics. But most people don’t know about his brother who did research in monster making...
His name was Frank.
Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
I used to be a werewolf but I’m ok noooooooooooow!!
Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
You have been running through my mind all day.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!