What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
An arm and a leg!
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
The perfume was very cheap.
It's price was in cents.
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
The earth's rotation really makes my day.
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia were visiting Australia.
Unfortunately, one day they got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and eaten by a pair of crocodiles.
The female ate the Frenchman.
The Czech was in the male.
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
I went to the Chinese buffet on crab leg night and ate my fill, but they kicked me out.
They said I was being too shellfish.
How do flamingos clean themselves? They flaminget a shower.
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
Won't you wear my ring up around your neck
To tell the world I'm yours by heck!
Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaved clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Yah.
Yah who?
No, I prefer Google.
What did one wall say to the other wall?
"I’ll meet you at the corner!"
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
Have you heard about some bones on the moon? Looks like the cow couldn’t make it after all.
I bet your number sounds even better than you look right now.
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.
"What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?" "I want you inside me!"
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Mustache.
Mustache who?
Mustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree on me.
It was a hambush.
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
Someone who does not become a witch until they're old is a late broomer.
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.