What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes!
What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights.
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
What happens when you die after Thanksgiving?
You go to Gravy Jones' Locker
How does a goblin eat a hotdog?
By goblin it.
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
Why don’t we go somewhere where I can stick a candle in your jack-o-lantern?
What did the gorilla wear when he was cooking in the kitchen?
An ape-ron
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine? it wooden go!
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid.
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)
Dublin over in laughter.
Bookworms take shelfies.
A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.
He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."
Keep calm and carrot on.
A weeping camel is known as a humpback wail.
You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."
How do ghosts wash their hair? Sham-boo.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
How much does a polar bear weigh? Less than you, I would guess.
What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
What do you call an electrically charged seal?
A seal ion.
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making monster puns.
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.
When I read Philippians 4:8, I think about you.
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?