My neighbor drank so much gravy on a Thanksgiving Day dare that he choked to death.
He went from the ladle to the grave.
What did France, Great Britain, and their allies say after The Great War?
World War Won.
How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put ‘U’ and ‘I’ together.
What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
I hate it when planes don't have free WiFi.
It drives me bored air line crazy.
How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?
It remains in neutral.
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
How do lumberjacks shut down their computers?.
They log off.
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
Why did the cow go right up to the spaceship? To see the Mooooooooooon.
Why did the bat fire a chauffeur?
He drove everyone batty.
Who were the first cheese lovers ever?
Edam and Eve.
If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
Why are geologists great dates?
They can make your bedrock.
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur
Tyrannosourest Rex.
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
Frankenstein’s monster was really worried one day.
“Pull yourself together”, said Frankenstein.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
Why are goldfish orange?
The water makes them rusty.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
How did that avocado baker make bread?
With avoca-dough.
My magical watch says you aren’t wearing any panties. Oh, you are? It must be an hour fast!
I really caribou-t you.
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
My wifi password is the cat's birthday month
Feb-paw-hairy
Bad spelling makes me sic.
What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn’t.
Do you know hop? Because your body is really kickin'.
Where do werewolves hate shopping?
The flea market.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.
How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?
Skele-tons.
I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
What’s the capital of France?
The F.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
Are you a break stroker? Because you make my knees weak.
Hey baby, you caught my curiosity. Mind if I explore you a little?