Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gnome.
Gnome who?
Gnome sweet gnome.
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
May I ride your broomstick? I lost mine.
You cannot get a basketball game fairly officiated in the jungle because cheetahs are all over.
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
How do baseball players stay in contact with each other?
They touch base every once in a while.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
I was gonna say something really sweet about you but when I saw you I was speechless.
What did Papa Pig shout at his kids in the car?
“Stop swining! We’re nearly there.”
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
Maybe you need a little Vitamin ME in your life.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
Normally my species is cold blooded, but around you I am hot blooded.
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
This autumn, the garden told the mower to leaf him alone in peace.
You’re so pharma-cute-ical!
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
You’re the only (cutie) pie I need.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
Are you as spicy as your artisan hot sauce?
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
Are you a bowl of Lucky Charms? Because you appear to be magically delectable!
A lobster's favorite shot in tennis?
The lob.
- Dad, where are the DVDs? Where's Shrek, I want to watch it.
- Somewhere ogre there.
Eddie edited it.
Are you made of uranium? I’m made of iodine! That explains why all I can see is U and I together.
I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off his tail, he’ll be de-lighted!
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.