No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
France – it’s just a oui bit different!
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
How to scare kids away in the night
Want to give them a really big fright?
Go hide in the closet
They'll leave a deposit
When the boogieman busts out tonight.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
Both tournament directors published the schedule at the same time. It was a draw.
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A refrigerator.
A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.
What cheesy dip do deer love to eat?
Fawn-due.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
Why does salt make everything taste better
Because it's sodi-yummm!
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
Ants in your plants.
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
How does a vampire bat enter his house?
Through the bat flap.
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.
Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? Sir.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears? Anything you like, he won't hear you!
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
How do astronauts cook their meals?
With a Space Heater!
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
You are living proof that Australia was colonized by criminals, because it's 'criminal' how good you look.
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
What should you do when you see Frankenstein walking towards you?
Make a bolt for it.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time?
You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
If a painter ever feels stressed or troubled, they take a vacation to the hills. It will easel their mind!
I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
What's a pun's best trait?
His pun-ctuality!
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution