A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
What's the difference between Greek yogurt and regular yogurt?
Greek yogurt has a rich cultural history.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
Q. What did Ena say after Bambi was killed by a semi truck?
A. He will be dearly missed.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying
It's must be too highly strung
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
I hate scuba diving.
It was the lowest moment of my life.
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
I want to tell you an excellent ice pun, but the problem is that it’s just slipped my mind.
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
If you were a baseball field could I hit a homerun.
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.
Is that an energy bar in your pocket, or are you just happpy to see me?
I had an instant connection with someone in South Korea. I think they're my Seoul mate.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
You are the square to my root.
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
I violated grammar rules, so I got punished with the death sentence.
Death.
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
The anti-vax basketball team lost every game this season
Apparently they never take any shots.
A bomb goes of in a cheese shop.
You can see da brie everywhere.
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave? He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
Black background, brown background, black background, brown background, black background, brown background.
What do you call a white skinned gorilla?
Honkey Kong.
I really hope corona virus can't spread through s*x
It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
Are you one of Job's daughters?
Because you're twice as beautiful as any other girl I've ever seen.
51. What does a car yell when something goes wrong?
‘Jesus Chrysler!’
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
A trip to Ireland always lifts my spirits.
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
She sells seashells by the seashore.
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.