I want to read you from cover to cover.
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
You're the ruler of my heart.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth? A Gummy Bear
Are you the 4th of July? 'Cause I'm feeling fireworks between us.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Don’t moss around.
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
Baseball Fan: Have you ever seen a line drive?
Blond Baseball Fan: No, but I have seen a baseball park.
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.
How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn't Seen In Years
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
Hey you like cherry preserves ?
Never mind, its probably not your jam
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.
"Scone be a lot of fun. Wheat love for you to join us."
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Candice.
Candice who?
Candice be love that I'm feeling?
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
What brand of hand soap do telephone operators use? Dial.
Want to practice speaking in tongues with me?
Ariel spent the weekend alone because she was feeling a little crabby.
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
What do you call a rabbit that has fleas?
Bugs bunny.
It’s Fall coming back to me now.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Q. How do you make a sasquatch, a yeti, or a bigfoot laugh?
A. Tell it a gorilla joke!
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
Someone from Southern France sent me an MS Word file with 200 pages.
It's a Languedoc.
Don’t go bacon my heart.
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.
Nowadays, people drought the accuracy of weather men because the climatic patterns are so unpredictable.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"