A beaver asked his fellow beavers to hurry up and said, "Water you waiting for, make haste."
Hey girl, are you a faulty French press because I’d like to be burned by you and recall you afterward.
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
What does a mommy pig say to her piglets at the end of the day? Time to pig up your toys.
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.
My love for you is like dividing by zero… It can’t be defined!
I personally think bunnies are ear-resistible.
Why didn't the ghost dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.
We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, truck drivers get fed ex.
Why did the bat fire a chauffeur?
He drove everyone batty.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
Cherry pie will set you back 10 dollars in Antigua, but 15 in Barbados. Yes, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Hey baby, you caught my curiosity. Mind if I explore you a little?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Double
Double who?
W!
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
Would you call a hardy unicorn that survived disease an immunicorn?
Q. Which dinosaur species has deep blue-green feathers?
A. Teal-Rex.
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.
I expect a long sentence.
Bad puns are how eye roll.
You know, I didn't kiss my wife until I was married...
because she wasn't my wife until we were married.
I created a presentation on my computer but didn't use password protection...
Now it has visual aids.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
If you're wondering if someone's become a vampire, there's an easy way to tell. A true vampire is always coffin.
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
I never knew how lightning worked
Thats until it finally struck me.
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
How do you spell banana? E, V, I, L. Do banana's drink coke or pepsi? Neither, they drink blood because they're evil.
Someone told me I looked like a salt shaker. I took it as a condiment.
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
What does Darth Vader say when he plays volleyball? May the spike be with you.
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
How do volleyball players deliver their messages? Through Air Mail.
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.
Why did the bus driver stay out all night? He was 'driving' around town!
If your team loses the Souper Bowl, then be prepared for a lot of boouillons from your fans.
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.